I've finally begun to start feeling happy.

To finally have that fire to just start over but I already am. It's hard to explain but whenever there's happiness, there's also being busy. That's why i'll come back to this later. Goodnight for now!

I just need to take things slow.

I need to take things one at a time. One moment at a time. Creating one memory each at a time. All while wearing a smile on my face.

-

Fuck, I like you. And it's starting to become a lot. Like, a lot a lot. It's ridiculous. There's just something about you, like there was with every girl that I ever liked. Also like the rest of them, you're someone different. But also like the rest of them, I don't have a single chance..

What family?

What fucking family? I don't see anything that's close to a family in here anymore. What the fuck is this shit? It's fucking ridiculous, every fucking night now. Every fucking night I have to put up with this. I've gotten so fucking used to it to the point where I can just blast the T.V. or the music in my room as I continue to do whatever the fuck I please before I get fed up with shit and I have to do something. I am so fucking tired of it, all of it. I seriously don't understand what's up with my Sophomore year and everything just going downhill, I don't fucking understand. What the fuck is this shit? I seriously thought it was my dad, but you know what, over time I began to learn it was just my fucking mom getting crazier and crazier with her shit each and every day and night. What the fuck is wrong with you woman? I don't know what the fuck you're trying to do, or the kind of shit you're trying to pull but me and dad are fucking tired of it. You have no fucking idea how fucking peaceful it is at home when you're still out. It's fucking relaxing. Relaxing.. ha. I can never fucking use that fucking word anymore. Since when the fuck did I ever have anytime in this house where it's fucking relaxing? Like legit, being relaxed. It's fucking ridiculous. Every fucking night, fighting. I can't fucking sleep whenever I want to anymore because I always fucking worry. I always get woken up. You know, today, I was actually feeling relaxed. Things with me and my best friend are finally going back to where they were and i'm just sitting here watching the highlights of the Laker game. My dad was supposed to go to his friends for dinner earlier since they haven't seen each other in forever, but he decided to stay home with me since I was gonna be home alone. I don't know, but ever since this shit started, my dad and I have become much more chill with each other here and there. I told him he could go and I can watch myself in the house but he didn't want to go. He waited for my mom to come home to tell her that he was gonna be gone for a few hours and what does she do? She fucking takes his phone assuming that my dad is talking to another woman, when he obviously isn't. Trust me, he fucking isn't. She fucking takes it to read his fucking messages? What the fuck. Okay, my dad is like a little kid. He likes to stay in touch with his old high school friends that live here now in the States and they always try to chill out and stuff but they hardly do. So you know how these Filipino are, "OOO FACEBOOK FACEBOOK, HERE'S MY NUMBER OKAI." That type of shit. My fucking mom does not fucking understand that. She fucking assumes that every fucking woman my dad talks to, he literally fucks. What the fuck is that shit? Aren't you supposed to be fucking trusting in a marriage? What the fuck is wrong with you? I am so fucking tired of it. I have a feeling I get all my assumption and paranoia habits from you mom. It's fucking ridiculous. You know, why the fuck would you do that type of shit to dad? How fucking low are you? The guy is the only one fucking working his ass off here for us and you treat him like shit? I admit, I do too but I am trying to keep myself down on that shit. If it wasn't for him, we'd still be living a shitty ass life in the Philippines! What the fuck is wrong with you. You could have fucking injured dad doing shit like hitting him with the wooden part of the broom. What the fuck is that? Fucking unbelievable. I couldn't take it anymore so I just had to fucking grab you and put you into the house before we get into deeper shit. I'm sorry if I made you bleed, I didn't mean to. I was trying to fucking calm you down but you wouldn't fucking cooperate with me. Maybe you bled by cutting yourself from something in the doorway when I was trying to get you in the house. I am probably going to hell for "hurting" you mom. How fucking low is that right? Drastic measures just to fucking calm the house down? To calm your mom down? It's fucking ridiculous. I still feel ashamed. I hardly see you as a mother now. You know it's fucking sad too. I had to fucking patch you up like a little kid, I started crying. I had to fucking patch up dad with ice, worried like fuck because I thought you fucking broke his arm. You guys are fucking pathetic. You know, I thought after all that it would have all stopped. But nah, shit happens you know? More yelling. I couldn't take it anymore. Like the little boy I am, I fucking broke out into a tantrum. Yelling for both of you to calm the fuck down and talk this out. I was yelling that I was fucking tired of it all. You wouldn't fucking stop.. I don't know, it was a reflex I guess but I guess I kicked off one of the doors for the storage compartment under the sink. Now the whole door is gone. I'm sorry about that. I couldn't stop crying. I pulled myself together after a while, now I just feel dry. You guys are fucking ridiculous. I can't take this shit anymore. I don't know what else to say. I don't even know if I have the heart to keep a smile tomorrow.

I'm crippled, but I am still standing up straight.

harroharroron(9:17:53 PM): okay, you know. i am really tired of this. so let's just start over or something alright. cause things are starting to change between us. nothings the same anymore, no matter how hard you try or how hard i try. it's not the same anymore. it's mostly me, if not all of it. i dont know. but it really bothers me that nothing isnt the same anymore. we didnt always get into this shit 24/7. we dont tell each other anything anymore. we hardly see each other anymore. you're like out of my life most of the time now. yeah i dont know what i am talking about but let's kinda start over or something. lol.
harroharroron(9:18:02 PM): i have no other idea how else to put this.

I couldn't help it. I am weak but I also believe I am a good person most of the time. Do you think so? I don't know, I felt like I had to do something about it before it went to far. I had a feeling something else was going on and I know I had to be the person there again that has to try and help out. I feel like I try to do everything for others when I virtually don't deserve shit but then I also feel this feeling of accomplishment. This good ass feeling. I don't know.

I'm going to try and help out again, like I used to. For once, I am going to go back to that mentality where I just put others before myself this time.

I feel a storm starting to brew up.

I am beginning to hate this shit.

This void, just keeps fucking growing on me. I don't know what to do anymore. I used to be able to talk to you so easily, so fun and loving. Now, I can't even come close to that anymore, not even close. You just seem like you don't care anymore, like absolutely don't care. You say you do and everything like that but I just don't feel it anymore. It just doesn't feel the same anymore. You're not showing me enough that you want me in your life, that it'd be nice to have me in your life. You always expect me to come running back to you and you expect me to think that's how you're showing me that you still want me in your life? Maybe i'm asking too much from you, but like before, we're back into this place. I try so fucking hard but it's just getting harder and harder for me to keep on trying. You just seem different now. I feel so unwanted, I feel like I am not needed. Darren's practically back in your life again and basically i'm just left there again. You have Jacob, so you don't need me to be there anymore. What the fuck is wrong with this? You used to be the girl that I would always love talking to everyday. You would always be the girl I would love to share random, retarded ass laughs with. All of that shit. I miss it all. I miss it all.. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I feel like, whenever a guy steps into a girl's life in which I have been in, I just get pushed away because I am no longer needed. I feel like i'm just the paper weight for them. To always be there for them and to try and keep them happy until the next guy takes it another step higher into which I can't ever do with a girl. I just end up being there, watching. I miss you, but what I miss the most is having that girl. I don't have that girl anymore. I just want a girl I can talk to 24/7. I just want that girl I can always share those special hugs with. That girl who I can always hit up to chill out for a few hours doing absolutely nothing, just sitting there and talking. I really miss visiting you, but you don't need me to do that. I fucking miss it. I am so fucking tired of just talking to guys and such. I'm not saying I hate being around them because I consider most of them my brothers, but it would be nice to have a girl around. I don't know what to do anymore. You practically have given up on me. It seems like you're putting in more of an effort on other things, and you're just keeping me there. It's sad, you don't even know what's going on in my life anymore. I thought best friends were supposed to know that stuff. I hardly see you as a best friend anymore, not like this. I try to look at other girls to see if I can get the same with them but they're either taken or don't give a fuck about me. I am so tired of this. I feel so fucking immature typing out shit like this, but it's just getting me hard.

Fuck.

Oh my God.

Here we go again. I feel so stupid and naive whenever I think of posting my thoughts on a girl so I won't. But fuck, this was the past. Way back in the past! I don't know why it's all coming back to me, it's fucking ugh. I don't know how to explain it. But it uplifts me just a little bit just having this type of feeling again. Fuck I don't know.. There's just something about you that gives me that feeling. It sucks because it's practically impossible. Maybe i'm being too hard on myself, but there are way too many things on the way. Maybe in the summer.. I want to respect what you want to do with your life right now and I shouldn't put myself in the way. I know the saying that if you want something go get it, but maybe being patient or something might actually benefit me here. I just have to stay strong.. I hate how I just let every single thing and thought get to me to the point of me not being able to keep this to myself. I'm so scared.

I am getting tired of Tumblr and little girls.

Seriously, I should just start un-following people that irritate the shit out of me on here because they have no fucking idea what the fuck they are posting on here. Just because you guys can't figure most of us out or can't put up with how complex we get at times gives you the reason to calls us shit? For example, stupid. I believe you are the one being stupid there because you have no fucking idea what the fuck you are talking about. Maybe I don't know what the fuck I am talking about either but shit, I don't go around putting that shit on blast and making some of you bitches sound like stupid asses. Some of you need to get your shit straight, grow up, or maybe learn to keep some shit like that to yourself. Maybe I do too but reading that shit right as I wake up? What the fuck man, that shit gets me heated. Fucking Freshmans. Fucking bitches.

I really hate it.

I really hate it when my parents see me with a girl and they think it's my girlfriend. Sometimes I take a look back at her too and I sometimes say, yeah I kinda wish but we won't ever become more than friends. I don't know, every time I prove to them I am still a single kid, it really kills me inside. You know, no matter how fucked up this household has been, I think it would be nice to come home from going out one day and actually telling them, "Yeah that's her." That would be such a great feeling you know? Every time I tell them I am single and they always think and say that I am in denial, it kinda lowers my self esteem a little because it's kinda pathetic that I seriously do not have a girlfriend. Eh, it's been happening a lot lately so it really got to me tonight. Just a thought though. I can only wish...

Something positive for once.

I had no idea what to do today haha. I seriously thought I was just gonna do the usual, play basketball at the park until the sun goes down typa’ thing like usual but it was hella different today. Princess and I wanted Pizookies since Ms. Frank mentioned them in English so after class she told me to hit up Fergel if he wanted to do something. I got home, ate, watched re-runs of Game 5 and 6 of the Cavs/Celtics playoffs series, then got picked up eventually haha. Leo and Sophia tagged along and we went to the BJ’s at Cerritos. The Pizookies were good and it was hella funny when Fergel kept hitting his head on the low ass chandelier above our table/seats hahaha. After that, we went to Heritage Park. It was funny cause there was a girl that was standing there when we turned in and we all thought it was Monika, but then it wasn’t haha. We walked around the park and Leo hella failed at trying to scare the girls and scared this random ass girl haha, it was hella funny. We went to the playground and played tag. It was so hot, and I ended up feeling like shit because my headache grew after that haha. We went on the swings for a bit and Leo, Fergel, and I kept thinking about if we should run a quick game against the people haha. We ended up not doing anything. Before we left, Fergel offered if I wanted to drive the car around haha so I did. IT’S HELLA FUN TO DRIVE HAHA. It was my first time and I thought I did pretty well.. not counting me almost hitting a van because I didn’t see it. Princess drove and that was pretty funny and then we left! We went back to the area to drop off Leo and then we went on our way. From there, we were practically on the road for an hour figuring out where to go. We went all the way to the part where you either go to Brea or the Riverside. We were close to going to Brea but we ended up going straight the whole time haha. From there we just kept going straight and just picked which ever route we wanted to take haha. It was pretty torturing after a while because my headache just kept kicking my ass. Most of the places we went to, I never been before aha it was an adventure! It was pretty fun though! We had like three places to go to, maybe four. It was either the Long Beach bridge, Signal Hill cause Fergel mentioned it for a sec, Santa Monica Pier but we never bothered, and Long Beach Town Center haha. We ended up at Long Beach Town Center at one point and we just stayed there for the rest of the day haha. We parked hella far cause we couldn’t find a spot. We went to Pets Mart/Petco I have no clue. Haha, Sophia is so paranoid! But then when Fergel did that thing to me I hella tripped out. Embarrassing. We looked around the place for a bit. Sophia couldn’t stay in there any longer so me and her went outside until Fergel and Princess came out too haha. Then we went to Barnes and Nobles. Haha, it was alright in there. It smelled like books! (obviously) We spent the longest time in that place! Haha, just looking at books and everything. Oh yeah, there was a cute girl in there lol… I wanted to go look for that 1001 Things Every College Student Needs to Know book but I didn’t bother looking for it aha. After looking at books and stuff we eventually left. It was getting dark and we were deciding on what to do. I guess we decided that we were hungry so we walked to the In-N-Out nearby and ate there. Haha, I was the first one to get my order. It was hella fast! It was done in 5 minutes, that never happens. I asked for a water cup and basically that shit was the size of a small drink? The top was the same size as the lids, so I put some coke and put on a lid and I got myself a free drink haha. Free drinks taste a hella lot better than the ones you buy! Princess kept laughing for the most retarded reasons haha, it was so funny. I could barely finish my food! Good thing I only ordered the animal fries. Me and Sophia didn’t make Fergel pay for us this time haha. We stayed there for a bit. After a few laughs and a lot of food we left. We thought it was the 605 South on the way back from there but it was the 605 North haha. We ended up at East Campus of CSULB haha. On the way back there was this nigga hella behind us with her bright ass high beams and shit haha. I hate those people. They eventually passed us and Fergel went to chase them down in the carpool lane haha. The way home was hella fast! I eventually got home and I guess I got home the same time my parents did. It was hella awkward. I got to the door and my mom was there then Princess came out to sit at the front and I gave her a hug, then when I came in I heard my mom say to my dad, “Nakita mo yung girlfriend nang anak mo?” (Did you see your son’s girlfriend?) I was like, “No she’s not my girlfriend and I don’t have one.” Haha, then they kept giving me that thing about it being okay and I don’t have to lie but I seriously don’t. I hate that though, I feel pathetic lol. Oh well. Then now i’m home doing this blog! It’s stupid how my headache and all my body problems go away around the night time.. Today was a good day though! Something different! I was close to telling Fergel to take me home earlier so I can play ball but I didn’t. Today kinda refreshed me though, even though I had a headache throughout the day. A good company always cheers me up and that’s what I got today. I just have to keep telling myself to just try and keep this note as often as possible.. It’s only 10, and I feel like 2 days just passed aha. It’s one of those long days again! S’all good though, I don’t know what i’m doing tomorrow… and the one thing I really love about today is that I only spent 5 dollars haha! Wow. That car never runs out of gas, after being out since 3 by the time we got to my house it was barely a quarter tank used up, probably even half way to quarter tank haha.

My life is a roller coaster, I believe her on that. But that's just how I live my life. Unlike her, I am not always in that fairytale everything goes right typa' world. Plus, I kind of find this shit a lot more interesting even though I would rather have something like that. Eh, I don't know. Some days, things are bittersweet to me. Or is that everyday? I don't know haha.

Always feeling left out and shit.

I'm so fucking used to that type of shit now.

I hate how I am always alone.

Your lives are just so fucking happy aren't they?

-

I can't find the heart to contribute to this right now.

-

I am so fucking tired of everyones shit. Fuck you all, none of you fucking help me in any fucking way anyways. I've seriously had it with all of your shit.

I feel like i've been on my own lately and I can pretty much get used to this shit because i'm really starting to like shit like this. Maybe I am lying to myself but I can regret this later on. I am so fucking tired of people right now.

Thanks best friend. Thanks a lot. The fuck, I feel like I am the only one that fucking contributes towards you and your shit. I love you and all but what the fuck is this? Am I being needy? I don't fucking think so. You never did SHIT for me. Last I check all you fucking did most of the time is cause me heart break and give me "sorry"s WHAT THE FUCK? Maybe i'm just looking at the bad things because of how I feel right now, maybe i'm just not thinking straight. But you're seriously one of the few I go to when it comes to shit like this, I would at least hope you fucking say something back for once instead of giving me your usual sad smiley's and your fucking "sorry"s, I am so fucking tired of that shit. I didn't need you giving me shit on Tumblr either, I have enough shit in my life as it is thank you very much. The fuck would I need you giving me shit because I can't control my fucking emotions tonight? Fucking bitch what the fuck is wrong with you, just go back to your fucking boyfriend and go fucking hang out all romantic and shit.

People liking each other here, people liking each other here. What the fuck is that shit? I am so fucking tired of hearing that shit. The fuck did I ever do to the world to fucking get this type of torment that I have to keep witnessing every fucking day. I am so fucking tired of it. I am so fucking jealous. I fucking hate it. Sometimes I just want to ditch school just for that sole purpose. I fucking don't see a fucking purpose in it anymore. I fucking hate my classes, and I feel like most of the people just get annoyed of me anyways. The fuck is the point of going to school then? It's fucking stupid.

I fucking hate when I say hi or something to people, especially you. You look like you're so fucking annoyed of me. Maybe i'm just too fucking needy but it's a fucking pet peeve to fucking ask for a hug and you give out the shortest ones. I don't even know what the fuck I am talking about here.

And you, I don't know what the fuck happened after that day but I guess that's what the fuck is that. Good memories though. I fucking looked at you, looked up to you like a big brother and this is how things go. It's good, I see. It's understandable. But i'd rather have you sending me shit than twitter and shit about my shit right now, that's so fucking inconsiderate. Fuck.

I am a fucking mess. I was honestly, okay for a good amount of time up till today. Fuck it, i'm human. I can be whoever the fuck I want to be, people can judge but i'm not gonna change me unless it'll better me.

I fucking can't believe I got my hopes up and shit when I read that. I am so fucking stupid. I should have kept reading but fuck it you know. I can't believe I built up to the point of liking you. Just one of those things that makes me go, "Fuck, I can't believe it." It's fucking stupid. When I read that, my heart was fucking racing. Then it sank so fucking low because of a misinterpretation. I am so fucking stupid. I guess I have practically gotten that point to being so weak with this shit, that I fell so fucking easy for that. Wow, just wow. This shit fucking sucks. I was so fucking uplifted and shit when I read just that part I told Jacob about it until I kept reading and it just all fell apart. I fucking felt like a dumb ass. What the fuck??! This is fucking frustrating.

World has turned on me, but i'm gonna try and make this shit turn back around because I don't like the fucking heat of being stared at. It fucking annoys me.

You know what, maybe people DON'T like dealing with my shit. I kept thinking about that and maybe it's true. That's why I have this shit, away from all you bitches. It's probably all I am going to have left in the end anyways. Like I give a mother fuck.

I'm going to regret this later.

I hate to admit it but,

I miss the goodmorning texts already. Oh well.

I'll be back later.

-

Yeah, I don't really care anymore. Haha, surprising how you texted today because I seriously thought you already forgot me. I guess I was all alone with this thing, I knew from the beginning I was gonna be all alone with it. At least I kept myself from getting too deep in my head about it though. Oh well.

-

I hate the fact that you can't really give me any advice. It frustrates me. I gave you so much advice on things but why is it you can't give me any? I guess i'm trying to look at it as a mutual thing, I don't know. But being my best friend I would think you would have something to say about it, instead of just questioning me about it. I can ask those questions to myself if I want to. I felt like I was talking to myself when I brought that up with you. I know you try but am I expecting too much from you?

Now i'm frustrated and whenever I get frustrated with you, it's kinda hard to stop. I guess I can blame myself for everything.

I hate the fact that you're the only girl I practically talk to now. There's no one else, and I guess that's just how my life plays out. No other girl wants to talk to me anyways, I'm no one special. Just your average Joe. I'm pretty boring and there isn't much that's really interesting about me. I just love to put myself down.

-

I hate it when people ask me what's homework and shit. At least put a greeting in it and be nice. I wake up and someone texts me at 9 in the morning to ask what homework was and I just go, "The fuck is this?" Like really, it would be nice if you said good morning at the least! Fuck, I feel like i'm always being used at times. You guys only come up like you know me and shit when you need something. I guess that's just how my world rolls.

-

I feel really frustrated right now, I guess my loneliness and shit is kicking into high gear again. It's fucking pathetic. I'm fucking pathetic. I can't even concentrate on a topic.

I hate whenever I feel this low. I feel like i'm asking for attention, I always am though. It just kind of sucks that no one really reads this because no one has any idea what goes through my head anymore. But at least I feel a lot more comfort into typing this kind of shit anyways.

I just remembered that tryouts are this week and i'm seriously not fucking ready right now. Fuck, I have 2 more years in High School and my hopes on this shit is just coming to an end. Fuck my life, I wish I was more talented. I wish I was a lot of things, small things that most guys are. Not gay at all but you get the point.

Why the fuck do I feel so down?

What I look for in a girl.

I usually don't do these typa' things but Princess brought it up the other day and i've been thinking hard about it.

When I look at a girl, I try to imagine myself holding hands with her. Can I see myself walking around holding that girl's hand? I don't really look for the other things you do in a relationship such as imagining myself kissing her for example. I don't know, i'm just not like that haha. I look for the small things that couple's do.

Another thing I look for in a girl is something that's kinda hard for me to explain.

I know there's no such thing as perfect relationships and i'm not looking for one in the future either. Shit, I can't even have a perfect best friendship with her and we act like a couple half the time because of all the shit we've been through. There's bound to be bumps in any type of relationship, whether they'd be big to small.

When I look for a girl, I ask myself," Am I willing to go through all of that trouble for her?" I bet all of you ask this to your selves too. Am I willing to stay when shit is happening at it's worst? Am I going to be willing to put up with her either. These are probably common things everyone asks themselves when they look for their special someone in the future. But I think some people don't bother asking themselves these type of things and end up regretting half way.

I don't know it's just a thought. Because I always have someone on my mind but that's as far as I would take it. What stops me? Reality and the stuff above. Sometimes they fall right into the category but then something always comes in to take her away from me.

I'm really getting tired of liking girls and stuff because right when I get the courage to do something, another guy comes in and i'm just left unrecognized like always. That's how I feel everyday, unrecognized. I don't know whether to be mad at myself or just think of it as how things are. All I ever want is some attention and I never get any of it.

I get real sick whenever i'm with a girl and they just talk about some other guy. I feel like my ears are about to bleed sometimes. I don't know, I guess it's because I just get jealous.

A lot of things frustrated me during 5th period today, it was ridiculous. I basically went in those moods where i'm snappy as fuck. I was about to snap at Ms. Portillo because she kept giving me shit when i'm just sitting there doing my work. I get enough of that shit at home, so I don't need anymore from you bitch. But it wasn't her that made me snappy, it was just a lot of things that ran through my head. I don't know, I felt really frustrated and everything.

I took a long ass nap earlier because I thought it was just because i'm sleep deprived but I guess it was my fault for bringing that shit back because i'm blogging about it.

I'm losing my train of thought, but whoever is reading this probably gets it. But why should I care, I am basically talking to myself here. Ha, I love it.

I finished my homework and I plan on getting out the house to get my mind off of things.

Spontaneous Wednesday!

I was supposed to get my shit cut today because it’s hella bothering me now but Chris told us he has to study for his AP exams so we held it off until this Friday. That basically led to a hella spontaneous day:

- Ate at The Hat at Brea where the burgers hella hit the spot today.
- Went to Walnut High School to pick up Ashley.
- She called me to say that Marcelo was there, so I called him up and he was.
- I finally saw that nigga after a long ass year haha. Man, it was funny as hell because we coincidentally matched too. Too bad we didn’t take a picture for the shits. I met his prom date too, damn she’s hella cute oh my God. It was good seeing you though nigga, same with everyone else.
- Left Walnut to Jed’s house where he had to get changed.
- Me and Ashley talked in the car while we waited,
- We eventually went to the Starbucks near Ikea to meet up with Remie and Joel.
- We stayed there for an hour or so basically playing Pokemon and just chilling aha.
- We went to Ikea and basically chilled at the place. Ikea is hella empty aha, we practically stayed there until the sun went down doing random stuff haha, it was fun though. I’m not giving Ashley anymore caffeine though…
- We chilled at the top with the big ass window where they tried this desert that looked like a tennis ball. It tasted alright though haha.
- Talked about some suicides and death related stuff that happened in the past around the area.
- Chilled outside.
- Lagged going home at the underground parking with Joel.
- Joel gave me a Charmander!
- Went home.
- Now i’m home.

Today was a good day. It felt like Friday though! At least i’m home a bit early though so I have a few moments just to chill before I have to do my Algebra homework.

Woo, good day!

Taken from Tumblr.

-

I have no idea what to do with things, so I just go with the flow of how things go now.

For once I feel like I always put stress on myself and it's not the stress that's actually put on me. So lately, i've been a bit stress free for a few days? I guess that's good haha.

I miss you.

It's crazy. I wish I wasn't so tired, but i'll come back to this tomorrow.

Your letter touched me deeply. You opened my eyes towards certain things. You just made me love you a lot more than I already did.

I think you mean the world to me.

I'm afraid i'll love you more than my future girlfriend, if I even get one in the future... Let's hope that's not the case...

-

Okay, i'm back. I think I went a bit over board with that letter. It's been a few days since and I still can't get over it at times. Everything you said was pretty expected, haha. You were really repetitive but I get the meaning of why because you just want me to understand that what you were saying is really true and it isn't bullshit. I couldn't ask for anyone else but you to be this special friend of mine, my best friend. I feel like I can't do that shit to you anymore, no matter how many times I have said this to myself about doing these type of things towards you but I feel like this may be the last saying about those types of actions coming from me. It's good to know that you still know how much hurt you have caused me and you can't forgive yourself about it, I don't know but I like that. I just have to learn that shit in the past should just stay there and I shouldn't let it get in the way of what is happening now. It literally makes me about to cringe when I read from your own writing that it hurts and frustrates you as much as you frustrate me when you do certain things to me when I do the shit I do to you. It's amazing how close this bond is between us, it's crazy. We've literally become part of each others lives and it doesn't seem like neither of the both of us will drift away no matter what happens. To know that you'll fight to stay in my life no matter how many times I push you away and if I ever want you out of it, it makes me feel special. It really does because I have never had anyone say that to me before. It makes me feel wanted, something i've always wanted to get from someone. You mean a lot to me too, and I love you. Your letter came just in time to pull me out of being so melancholic it's crazy. You're really something. I think you're amazing.

I would have said a lot more probably if I didn't lag it. But even then I don't think words could describe how I felt when I first red that letter.

I've been behind on the matters of my mind on this blog because of pure laziness and such.

I ranted about Keanu on Tumblr because of how much he's been fucking up... But am I being too harsh though? Eh, I don't really care right now because we've all been helping him out ever since we took him in. I hope you get your shit straight though. We said we're fed up because we're being real but we're always gonna have your back on shit, it's just up to you to make the choice on what you do with your life and the people in it.

I can't believe you just put me on blast on Tumblr like that. I feel like an asshole but then... why do you deserve some sympathy? I never get any sympathy. Knowing you, you probably aren't but at the back of your head you are. You know i've always been there but then your ignorance just keeps pushing me away on certain nights it's crazy. Maybe i'm being ignorant too but shit. I don't know. I feel like a douche right now because of that shit you posted but I think over the past week, I learned to man up on just not giving a fuck about certain things anymore. The world isn't fair to me, same with the people so I just stopped being fair every day. You need to get your own on certain days too, shit.

I've been feeling that void here and there again, I feel like all of that summer love shit is starting to bloom out of most people. Haha, it's weird as fuck walking out of Spanish earlier and I see Dylan with Ella and shit. I was like, wow what the fuck? Haha, I just walked away. I felt kind of awkward just being within 10 feet of them. Shit's weird. It's sort of like that one Harry Potter picture I posted on Tumblr last week.

Eh, this type of void shit is for another day. It's 11:30 and I have CSTs tomorrow. I was supposed to start on my essay today but I lagged the mother fuck out of it, eh. I'll ask Minh about it tomorrow and i'll do it when I get back from visiting Keilah.

Tomorrow should be fun.

It's only going to be Tuesday.

I feel like I have a lot more to say but I hate the fact I get writer's block whenever I set my eyes on a blog template.

I need to decide.

I can't keep letting my mind wander every single day. It's not that I get bored, I just can't decide. It's also the fact that I am pretty scared to make my mind stick onto someone that it'll grow attached to something that won't ever happen. That's probably why my mind is island hopping right now. It's a lot better than being stressed over one person. But it's tiring me out now. I need to decide, or just leave.

I'm so fucking complicated lately. But only myself knows that. I don't really talk to anyone about any of my shit when it comes to girls anymore. I just don't find a point, nor I feel comfortable talking about that type of matter. I feel like if I start talking to someone about that person, then i'm going to end up putting an imaginary set of standards that my body will follow on it's own leading me to pursue the girl, leading me to fall for her. I don't want that, right now at least. Maybe soon but not now. Not when my minds is a fucking mess. I really wish I could talk to someone about this but there isn't a point. It's just going to be a waste of my time, and it'll end up being a lot of misunderstandings and a lot of awkward situations. I don't need that shit right now.

But sometimes it would be nice to have that one girl that you can just talk to for an entire day and never get bored of for a whole week. Just someone that always makes you look forward to your days during the morning. The one person that brings you joy every time you're around them, it feels like you don't need to go anywhere as long as you're next to them. That person that makes you smile so fucking randomly and you get caught by your friends looking like a dumbass. You feel like you're in a bliss and you just can't help it. Where you can just smile at each other and not say anything for a while... There's a lot more to it, but you get the point by now. I feel like I just keep reminding myself this stuff everytime. But that's okay. There's nothing wrong with wanting, it's just the fact that wanting isn't going to be enough. I'm eventually going to put myself out there again and that's what i'm afraid of. I just can't find the motivation in doing something like that again.

The contemplations are the right people, I know it. But they're also the type to make me feel like I live under the Earth in the end. I think it's just reality hitting me because it is true. It's not like i'll end up with any of them. I can day dream all I fucking want, but that's how far I can only go. In my head.

I hate being single. I hate this loneliness. I wish you were still here like that at least, with nothing in between. At least then I would have something to think about to smile and cheer up about but that isn't the case anymore. I'm always alone in the end, and left with no one to think about. Maybe that's why it always feels so fucking cold in my room. I'm always feeling lonely in here. No one's ever out there to keep me warm.

To be honest, seeing you today (Friday) kind of topped off my day sadly. I don't know how I feel about you, but you give me that type of rush here and there. There's just something about you. I don't know.

I don't know what i'm talking about anymore. It's practically Saturday and I feel dizzy as fuck right now. I don't feel very "WOO-HOO!" about what's going to happen today because really, I don't look forward to going to a movie and then have you two right there. It's such a distraction to me. Maybe if I had someone by my side I wouldn't feel so lonely, so distracted. This is why I hate going to the movies sometimes. I always look at it as a date thing now. Maybe if I went there once with a group of friends, and only friends with no couple being around it would be a lot different. I don't know, hopefully I get distracted by the movie or something else tomorrow. Plus it's Sean's birthday thing, I don't want to be fucked up and just bitch out because of something stupid. I really hope something makes tomorrow exciting though. I already know i'm gonna be in a shitty mood just because but I don't want to stay that way the entire day.

I can only wish...

I always feel like I have a lot more to say but whenever I do my blogs i'm so tired.

Goodnight.

ps.
I wonder what you put in that letter.

psps.
Fuck it's already May.