I need to decide.

I can't keep letting my mind wander every single day. It's not that I get bored, I just can't decide. It's also the fact that I am pretty scared to make my mind stick onto someone that it'll grow attached to something that won't ever happen. That's probably why my mind is island hopping right now. It's a lot better than being stressed over one person. But it's tiring me out now. I need to decide, or just leave.

I'm so fucking complicated lately. But only myself knows that. I don't really talk to anyone about any of my shit when it comes to girls anymore. I just don't find a point, nor I feel comfortable talking about that type of matter. I feel like if I start talking to someone about that person, then i'm going to end up putting an imaginary set of standards that my body will follow on it's own leading me to pursue the girl, leading me to fall for her. I don't want that, right now at least. Maybe soon but not now. Not when my minds is a fucking mess. I really wish I could talk to someone about this but there isn't a point. It's just going to be a waste of my time, and it'll end up being a lot of misunderstandings and a lot of awkward situations. I don't need that shit right now.

But sometimes it would be nice to have that one girl that you can just talk to for an entire day and never get bored of for a whole week. Just someone that always makes you look forward to your days during the morning. The one person that brings you joy every time you're around them, it feels like you don't need to go anywhere as long as you're next to them. That person that makes you smile so fucking randomly and you get caught by your friends looking like a dumbass. You feel like you're in a bliss and you just can't help it. Where you can just smile at each other and not say anything for a while... There's a lot more to it, but you get the point by now. I feel like I just keep reminding myself this stuff everytime. But that's okay. There's nothing wrong with wanting, it's just the fact that wanting isn't going to be enough. I'm eventually going to put myself out there again and that's what i'm afraid of. I just can't find the motivation in doing something like that again.

The contemplations are the right people, I know it. But they're also the type to make me feel like I live under the Earth in the end. I think it's just reality hitting me because it is true. It's not like i'll end up with any of them. I can day dream all I fucking want, but that's how far I can only go. In my head.

I hate being single. I hate this loneliness. I wish you were still here like that at least, with nothing in between. At least then I would have something to think about to smile and cheer up about but that isn't the case anymore. I'm always alone in the end, and left with no one to think about. Maybe that's why it always feels so fucking cold in my room. I'm always feeling lonely in here. No one's ever out there to keep me warm.

To be honest, seeing you today (Friday) kind of topped off my day sadly. I don't know how I feel about you, but you give me that type of rush here and there. There's just something about you. I don't know.

I don't know what i'm talking about anymore. It's practically Saturday and I feel dizzy as fuck right now. I don't feel very "WOO-HOO!" about what's going to happen today because really, I don't look forward to going to a movie and then have you two right there. It's such a distraction to me. Maybe if I had someone by my side I wouldn't feel so lonely, so distracted. This is why I hate going to the movies sometimes. I always look at it as a date thing now. Maybe if I went there once with a group of friends, and only friends with no couple being around it would be a lot different. I don't know, hopefully I get distracted by the movie or something else tomorrow. Plus it's Sean's birthday thing, I don't want to be fucked up and just bitch out because of something stupid. I really hope something makes tomorrow exciting though. I already know i'm gonna be in a shitty mood just because but I don't want to stay that way the entire day.

I can only wish...

I always feel like I have a lot more to say but whenever I do my blogs i'm so tired.

Goodnight.

ps.
I wonder what you put in that letter.

psps.
Fuck it's already May.