I saw you today.

I feel like I haven't seen you in forever. Well I haven't, plus to add onto the fact that we haven't actually talked in two weeks either. I saw you today and I couldn't look at you straight in the face. I walked up there with a wave and a smile I don't know why, the first glimpse of you I felt so destroyed. I missed you so dearly but I was hesitant to walk Michelle to the front to see you. I really missed you, you have no idea. I bet you did too, but i'm always in denial when I try to think of things about me from your perspective. We didn't say much to each other, nor we were within the same 10 feet radius for longer than 5 minutes. It was so brief, it already feels like too long ago. I really missed you. When I saw you, I didn't even have the strength to hold up my arms to embrace you. I don't know why, but you came up to me with open arms like you always do. We fell into embrace and it was those type of hugs where it just speaks for itself. It spoke, "I miss you, but there's something wrong with us right now." I asked you, "Haha why are you hugging me?" But you never said a word, you just held me for a few seconds. It's as if you were telling me it's going to be fine and that this nonsense that's circling my mind would stop. I wanted to hold on longer but that too was too brief. One embrace wasn't enough, so this time I had the strength to give the second one... and then I walked away with a wave and a smile.

I won't see you again until the weekend... and that would probably speak the same story. And if I don't see you during the weekend, then I don't know when we will meet again. I don't see a point in seeing you much anymore. I feel like my time is done with you, but you're still holding on to me... which gives me a reason to not let go of you.

I miss you so much. I miss those days that we'd just spend endlessly doing nothing. Those days where we were just happy genuinely for that one day. Those days were nothing came in between, before reality struck and I was left alone several times in the corner. I miss it all, nothings the same and you're not here anymore. Now I have no one to have those kind of days with. I have no one to spend time with, to come home and have the thought, "What a good fucking day I had." No one. It's quite depressing. Maybe you're the only girl that can give me this type of stuff, or maybe i'm not giving anyone else the chance to do the same, or maybe they aren't giving me the open arms to do so... I miss it all, and my life's become dull since then.

It's hard for me to concentrate on this topic because there's so much to think about all at once, that it's difficult to devide my topics into paragraphs. I hate the fact that i'm still talking about you. I was done for about 2 months and I still am, but it doesn't make sense that I can say this much still. I don't understand why I love you so much, it's a bit extreme. But it's only natural to love your best friend isn't it? Not like this though, this is different.

I keep asking myself the same question every night for the past 2 weeks now. If i'm done, why do I keep getting jealous? Why do I think of you randomly throughout the day? Why does this small fraction of my body still want to love you unconditionally? A fraction of my body still wants to give you me. It's literally tearing me apart because my body's separating because of this. I don't know why you're still there. Why i'm still here. Am I just choosing not to move on? But what do I move on to?

My chest is literally hurting right now, it's ridiculous. I'm afraid i'm not making sense anymore. But can I ask you this?

Why do I still feel this way?

I really miss you, and I want to go back to something that's long gone. I don't like this new shit, and I don't like this loneliness. I'm so fucking cold, and i'm always in vain. I can't stand this anymore, so i'll let it rain.