I saw you today.

I feel like I haven't seen you in forever. Well I haven't, plus to add onto the fact that we haven't actually talked in two weeks either. I saw you today and I couldn't look at you straight in the face. I walked up there with a wave and a smile I don't know why, the first glimpse of you I felt so destroyed. I missed you so dearly but I was hesitant to walk Michelle to the front to see you. I really missed you, you have no idea. I bet you did too, but i'm always in denial when I try to think of things about me from your perspective. We didn't say much to each other, nor we were within the same 10 feet radius for longer than 5 minutes. It was so brief, it already feels like too long ago. I really missed you. When I saw you, I didn't even have the strength to hold up my arms to embrace you. I don't know why, but you came up to me with open arms like you always do. We fell into embrace and it was those type of hugs where it just speaks for itself. It spoke, "I miss you, but there's something wrong with us right now." I asked you, "Haha why are you hugging me?" But you never said a word, you just held me for a few seconds. It's as if you were telling me it's going to be fine and that this nonsense that's circling my mind would stop. I wanted to hold on longer but that too was too brief. One embrace wasn't enough, so this time I had the strength to give the second one... and then I walked away with a wave and a smile.

I won't see you again until the weekend... and that would probably speak the same story. And if I don't see you during the weekend, then I don't know when we will meet again. I don't see a point in seeing you much anymore. I feel like my time is done with you, but you're still holding on to me... which gives me a reason to not let go of you.

I miss you so much. I miss those days that we'd just spend endlessly doing nothing. Those days where we were just happy genuinely for that one day. Those days were nothing came in between, before reality struck and I was left alone several times in the corner. I miss it all, nothings the same and you're not here anymore. Now I have no one to have those kind of days with. I have no one to spend time with, to come home and have the thought, "What a good fucking day I had." No one. It's quite depressing. Maybe you're the only girl that can give me this type of stuff, or maybe i'm not giving anyone else the chance to do the same, or maybe they aren't giving me the open arms to do so... I miss it all, and my life's become dull since then.

It's hard for me to concentrate on this topic because there's so much to think about all at once, that it's difficult to devide my topics into paragraphs. I hate the fact that i'm still talking about you. I was done for about 2 months and I still am, but it doesn't make sense that I can say this much still. I don't understand why I love you so much, it's a bit extreme. But it's only natural to love your best friend isn't it? Not like this though, this is different.

I keep asking myself the same question every night for the past 2 weeks now. If i'm done, why do I keep getting jealous? Why do I think of you randomly throughout the day? Why does this small fraction of my body still want to love you unconditionally? A fraction of my body still wants to give you me. It's literally tearing me apart because my body's separating because of this. I don't know why you're still there. Why i'm still here. Am I just choosing not to move on? But what do I move on to?

My chest is literally hurting right now, it's ridiculous. I'm afraid i'm not making sense anymore. But can I ask you this?

Why do I still feel this way?

I really miss you, and I want to go back to something that's long gone. I don't like this new shit, and I don't like this loneliness. I'm so fucking cold, and i'm always in vain. I can't stand this anymore, so i'll let it rain.

The fuck is up with this shit.

If you guys don't like me the way I am lately, get the fuck out of my life then. I can care less. I'm not always gonna be passive and shit.

I fucking love being angry at certain times, all of this shit just get lifted off of me.

I'll edit this later.

-

Alright i'm back. I am honestly lazy to add more to what I said earlier, so I think that's more than enough about that... There's nothing more I can say to be hella specific about it so whatever. I'm seriously in the I don't give a fuck mood now, and the people I need and want to be part of my life right now are still here. Hopefully they stay there too. As long as I have them, I can really care less about the others who don't deserve my fucking time and effort.

So today we actually talked about it. I guess it was right timing you popped the question too because I just woke up from my long ass nap. Being groggy I felt incredibly numb for a good hour, so whatever response I gave you, I never flinched. I'm not mad at you, i'm mad at myself. I made everything as clear as I can be with you at the time. I hope you appreciate that I cut all the bullshit this time, I was just straight forward. I appreciate that this time, I didn't get the usual reponses from you either whenever we have these kind of talks. You didn't do anything wrong, and i'm not blaming you. I'm blaming myself for whatever the hell i'm doing. It really sucks when, that is the case every time you get off. It fucking hurts me because Michelle Tran told me today you're always so concerned about me and I never cooperate with you. To my own best friend. I'm so fucked up aren't I. I think i'm just being selfish about everything because what I am feeling and i'm not thinking about the things and people that matter, the people that really care. I'm pushing the one girl that means the world to me because of something so fucking stupid. I really need to get over this jealousy shit with you. I know i'm well over it, but I don't know why I feel jealous. We don't know what to do, so we're just going to try and work our lives around it. I feel like today was unfinished. It really is, maybe tomorrow we can try to put more work into what we already started today. It's nothing serious, I just want to fix myself before I start to hurt you even more. It already kills me inside that i'm hurting you by the way i've been treating you lately. I'm sorry. Seriously, I love you and I should end the stupidity i'm creating. It's a waste of time, it's pointless. It's selfish.

-

Thank God I got most of my thoughts out on the important things before I got hella distracted by my phone. Fuck my life so much. My iPhone's home button won't fucking work! Ugh, I have to take it back to Apple now. Thank God everything is still working fine with it. It's just annoying how I have to turn off the phone every time I want to do something different on the phone (texting, music, calling, etc.). It's annoying as hell! Ugh, i'm using my mom's old T-Mobile phone with my old T-Mobile number. This shit is wack as hell haha. Oh well, i'm gonna use my iPhone as an iPod tomorrow or something. This is gay as fuck. All the shit that happens to my stuff always happens at night. Ugh, bad way to end the day.

This totally distracted me from EVERYTHING. Fuck, I have CSTs tomorrow but i'm not stressing! It's English! Bring that shit on. Haha, I can't believe i'm getting hyped over a test. I'm weird as fuck. Damn. I'm going to be starving tomorrow too, kill my life.

And you, I don't know haha. The farthest I see you now, is a really good friend. You know what's up though, i'm not gonna hold back on that. Maybe after a few more hangouts and stuff i'll see what goes on in my head about you. But i'm kinda happy you're part of my life now haha.

And you, I swear. You are a fucking bitch. You get me so heated at times. Fucking alksjdfalf. Ugh, done.

I forgot what else I have to say, oh well. Goodnight.

So much going on!

So, I guess I might be going to the Philippines this summer with Jacob! Yeah it's hella random too. It's fucking me over how I have to let them know by tomorrow since they're already booking their shit soon. Ugh, I want to go though because it'll be something different. The last time I went to the Philippines? Fuuck, like what 2 to 3 years ago? This time if I do go, i'll be with a friend. That's something hella different. It'll be a mission though, staying with his family and shit. It sucks Aaron can't come though. It's cool that my parents are willing to get a plane ticket for me though, hilarious. It's ridiculous. If I go, i'll be hella MIA from July 25th until the 11th of August. Eh, not bad haha. I just keep of thinking of things that I would be doing if I chose to stay here. Eh I hate how this shit is short notice though, I wish I had at least a week to think about this. I'm getting pretty excited about it though, that shit would be an adventure! Aha, plus i'll get the fuck out of here for a while and just go somewhere hella far. I'll probably get home sick though...

Apart from that typa' stuff i've been having a crazy Sunday. I just want summer to come already! I always feel so cut off during weekends. To be honest though, I had a really good weekend for once. Apart from Friday, i'm not gonna lie, it was hella good. I guess maybe i'm just saying that because I met you this weekend. It's fucking crazy how happy and shit i've been feeling the past 24 hours or so. Eh, I haven't felt this kind of rush in a long ass time. Maybe it's just me meeting a new person, girl. I don't know. The reality of certain things are hitting me now haha. Thank goodness I didn't let myself fall. I mean shit, I did give it a shit load of hype today but that's it. Nothing else. I'm not really looking for something even though they do and they want me to make something happen and as much as I love it, I really don't know. It's too fast to jump into conclusions and stuff right now. I take pride that I was mentioned by Darren to you earlier and how he's jealous of me. Fucking hilarious, ironic too! Who knows what'll happen though, we'll see. I just need to stop this feeling though. It feels great and all because really, it distracts me from a shit load of things. But i'm afraid I may become addicted to it and it'll be taken away from me oh so easily, and i'm not down for the hurting process again. Unless things start to change which I hella doubt, I need to cut this shit off.

It's fucking hilarious how I woke up and I check your shit to see that you want to apologize to me. Really, if you still wanna be my friend go for it. As much as I wanna beat the shit out of you, i'm not gonna stop you. The most I want is the self respect. If you want to be friend's you're gonna have to grow some balls and go out of your way to try and "apologize" to me. Just because you know that I don't want any part of you in my life anymore doesn't mean i'm stopping you from doing something like that. I mean shit, I feel the same way at times but that was some fucked up shit you did. I still can't get over it. I will seriously laugh my ass off though if one of the reasons you're hesitant to talk to me in person is because you're scared of me. HA, scared of me? HAHAHA, man that's funny. Grow some balls if you are though. As much as you know me reading your shit and you probably read mine too, i'm not giving in to apologize to you. The way I see it, you've had most of your shit go your way, entirely or half way at the least while i've had nothing since then. So fuck you. If you want to apologize, try me. Let's see how much you can test yourself.

I've lagged this since 11, and I have Spanish homework to do and shit. Ugh, fuck! I'm so tired. Fuck my life, I hate this shit so much. I wish the teacher just didn't give us any homework at all during the few weeks of testing. This shit is retarded. I have a late start though so it's not that bad. I have a 59% in Chemistry? Or some shit, I don't know. That's like 10 percent or so I have to try and boost. I think I can do it though, if I do that then fuck yeah.

I haven't been talking to you good, in forever. It hurts me because every time I give you a shitty conversation I always start imagining you just sitting there, looking so clueless and concerned and shit. It fucking depresses me. I'm fucking horrible. I don't know what i'm doing either, i'm sorry. I just need to get this shit out of my head again. I do feel bad though. I hope I can make it up to you tomorrow or something.

This has been a bomb weekend. What a way to rebound from Friday.

I have a lot more to say but i'll put the period on this blog for tonight.

I never seem to be finished with any of these.

-

For the love of God, I just had to edit this because I just got so fucking irritated right now. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? THEY ARE FUCKING RITORICAL QUESTIONS. FUCK YEAH I SPELLED THAT SHIT THAT WAY BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I WANT TO FUCKING SPELL IT. I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK IF IT'S SPELLED "RHETORICAL" SHIT. I'm trying to make a conversation to flow here and the fuck you have to go and answer every single "rhetorical" question. I wasn't asking you to fucking answer them! The fuck, maybe i'm just tired and fucking flipping out over nothing. But fuck this shit is fucking irritating the shit out of me. I'm trying to talk, and the fuck is up with this shit. It's fucking annoying. Fucking freshmans. Fuck. Seriously, some girls are just bitches lately. It's not even the guys that do most of the shit anymore, and they're the ones fucking complaining why we do shit. We're only responding back to the type of shit some of you make us go through.

One guy can't stay quiet and nice for long, eventually that nigga is gonna break.

I fucking hate nights when you're just a bitch, like really the fuck is up with you sometimes?

Thank God, no one reads this shit.

Maybe i'm just trippin' out right now.

I'll come back to this later, but I can say i'm honestly enjoying this right now.

-

Okay, i'm home now. I just met someone a few hours ago, and she's someone different. She really reminds me of you, but from just the way she looks. She's nothing like you at all, she's completely different. I'm not gonna fall for her to fast, but sadly to say, I think she's something. I don't know... when I saw her, I just went, "What the fuck?" Because she really reminded me of you, from the way she looks. It was just a big ass reminder, it was ridiculous. It drove me crazy. It's still driving me crazy.

She's someone different though. She kinda reminds me of you because of how aggressive she gets at times aha. She's an asshole at times, but I don't mind it. She can also get serious at times, and i'm surprised I got that side so quickly tonight. She didn't seem like the type to open up way to quickly at the first encounter but surprisingly she did. Maybe because it was late night and that's when all the thoughts are thought out and expressed, or maybe because I am just practically a stranger to her. I mean, don't some of us tell most if not all of our shit to people we hardly know but get along so quickly with? It's just how it is now in my opinion. I don't know, there's just something about you that attracts me for some odd reason. But in all honesty, I do like it. I don't remember getting this typa' feeling in a while, just that sudden rush of great interest. It's driving me crazy right now, my head is fucking spinning because it just totally pushed everything out of my head oh so quickly, in a matter of hours. I know it shouldn't be that way, I am now weak so I will try my best not to fucking fall.

I just can't believe that we managed to just get along. Everything just seemed to fit tonight, maybe you're just friendly... Yeah that's it, you're just friendly. I mean you are fucking outgoing being out this late. Don't think of her wrong by the way, since she's out so fucking late. No she's not like that. But you're just outgoing, to get back on topic. I bet you are like that to everyone else too. But the fact that I just told you everything from the past 4 months, the fact that you knew something of me from last year, the fact that you knew something from the 4 months from them, and the fact that it's just a small world. It's crazy how we just managed to I guess click or some shit. I have no fucking idea really. Maybe it's just me, it probably is. I'm just watching myself right now. The way you seemed an hour before we had that big ass talk, it just changed. The hour before you seemed so pre-cautious then the next you just hella opened up. I guess this is what I love when I meet new people, you just keep talking to get to know each other. I don't know it's just crazy. I met you as that typa' person but then I left the night also knowing you as that typa' person too. It was just everything in one night practically. I don't know, it's just different for some reason. I felt so awake with you. I bet if Jed wasn't tired and I didn't have to go home at some point, I bet we'd still be talking right now.

I just hate it how you're in the picture again. You. Why the fuck do you have to interfere with this type of shit all the time? It really irritates the fuck out of me. The fact that I know what she knows that she's getting herself into, ugh fuck. This is too fucked up, I don't want to be a part of another fucking triangle again. I don't have enough will power in me to put the effort or to make it through something like that. No. Whatever happens with that, whatever. I can care less right now... I just don't want any part of it at the moment.

Gah, this is fucking up everything in my head right now. It's bitter sweet. I just keep jinxing myself every time I say something to myself. Fuck. I had a feeling something would happen when I finally meet you though, it's just crazy how overwhelming everything is to me right now. No I haven't fallen for you or any typa' shit like that. That was the old me. You're still somewhat a stranger to me. I may have known stuff about you lately, stuff in your past and even though it came from you by the end of the night, I still don't know you and you don't know me. So I don't feel comfortable jumping to any type of conclusion. It's overwhelming attraction, is what is engulfing me entirely right now. It's driving me fucking nuts! I just have to tell someone later today or I will go crazy.

Again, I have a lot more to say about this but I keep getting distracted. I think this is the part where I have to tell someone the rest. Fuck. I have a feeling you're gonna keep me up. Oh well, that's fine.

I don't mind not asking for your number or aim. I can live with that aha. It'll be in due time for that shit anyways. I'm really not the type to go, "HEY LEMME GET YO NUMBAH!" No, i'm good. Nice to meet you though Ashley.

But apart from all of that, my day. I finally got out of this fucking house, and far away from all the shit here. Fuck you guys, I still have no respect for any of you right now.

The whole day was like the usual, chillin' with Jed. It's been a while we headed out during the day, it felt like last year again. Basically the entire day, we were just at Life like last year. I saw Michael and Kristine after not seeing those two for so long aha. I missed them. It was pretty chill. Remie was there too! The rest was just the usual of what me and Jed do during the night. We went to YES! Plaza to watch the Laker game, and to finish the Starbucks that we got. Then we headed to get dinner and wait for Matt to get home. Then I guess Jed decided to pick up Ashley haha. I met her from there and we just chilled at Matt's. We eventually left cause Matt was tired and we went to Denny's because Ashley was hungry. Started talking about stuff from there until the ride home. We still kept talking until we got to my drive way. I gave her a hug then I went inside. It was a semi-tight/long hug and she was like, "What a fail hug!" Aha, fuck me in the ass... alkadsf

This girl is way out of my league, like fuck aha. She's gonna step all over me. Sike, not really. Who knows...

It's almost 5 A.M. and I just got her AIM. Greaaat! I'm gonna be up until sunrise.

Goodmorning.

PS.
I'm just thankful for this weekend. It's totally rebounding me from the shitty time I had on Friday night.

I'm sorry.

Fucked up on the inside, bleeding on the outside.

Really dad, what the fuck are you doing? WHAT, THE, FUCK, ARE, YOU, FUCKING, DOING?! I can't even believe this fucking shit right now, it's overly ridiculous. What the fuck are you doing talking to some other fucking woman on YM? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I swear, if I ever find that bitch, i'm going to fucking slap the living fuck out of her until she can't even cry, she'll just fucking bleed. For you, dad, you're fucking lucky right now I didn't fucking deck you in the face. You're lucky I still had a grasp of reality at the time. If I did, there would be so much in that. Not just this fucking shit that I have to deal with now, been dealing since you fucking went on your fucking vacation. That's every single fucking thing that's fucking poisoning me on the inside. Every fucking thing that's fucking tearing me apart everyday. I probably would have made you bleed. You two are fucking pathetic, you know that? Because of you two, you just fucking add on to the fucking stress that's been in my life lately. So don't fucking complain to me, when I don't have my fucking grades up to fucking par right now. I'm still smart, I can fucking prove it to all of you, I fucking swear on that. I'm just fucking lazy and I don't want to put in any of the effort. You guys are fucking pathetic as fuck right now. I have to deal with enough fucking drama and shit in my life, over the past 9 months and I don't fucking need this shit right now. What the fuck did I ever do, to fucking deserve such a shitty time in my fucking life right now? I can't even explain my frustration entirely, I am just shaking right now, literally. I don't know what to fucking do. Sitting outside, walking around the street in socks and pacing around when it's cold as fuck doesn't really help. You guys fucking drive me fucking insane, it's fucking nuts. I can't even relax in my own household. The fuck is that shit? This is so fucking ridiculous. It fits perfectly fine with everything else that's fucking ridiculous in my life.

The reason I couldn't tell you anything is because i'm just afraid that I would explode on you. I don't want to do that to you. Everything has been catching up to me this whole week when it was gone for the past month. It doesn't make sense to me right now. A good half of my frustration is the jealousy that I get from you. I don't fucking understand why. My mind and heart just keeps denying you out of my life and I can't do anything about it. I'm sorry I keep pushing you out, I can't help it.

I don't know what else to say right now. Everyone is in my house and I don't want anyone of them fucking near my room or myself.

Fighting hard to keep the tears in. There won't be a point in crying, the fuck will that shit do?

I have a lot more to say, but my mind is racing in circles right now. Maybe I can get more later when I can stop shaking and my entire body can calm the fuck down.

I need someone to talk to.

I fucked up my sleep pattern the past few days.

I've been sleeping real late this week lately and the past few days i've been up way pass 1 AM. I'm either up doing homework or being stupid by killing my sleep on Pokemon haha.

Anyways, I don't know what to say about anything tonight. My minds been a mess the entire day though. I've been half asleep in all of my classes and I really didn't give a fuck today. I felt like I was sleep walking the entire time.

I'm seriously brain dead, and it's late. I still have to "edit" my essay for English and i'm just going to bullshit the hell out of it.

There's a lot on my mind but I don't know where to start, so maybe tomorrow or something. I've stalled on this blog for about an hour now.

So i'm gonna cut the bullshit, goodnight.

PS.
Haha that was pretty cute earlier today, I don't mind being so. It's not like we're going to go anywhere with anything though.

Someone prove me wrong, especially the weather.

It doesn't make sense.

How come when things start to look better for you, I get the other end this time. I seriously liked it better when you were a miserable fuck. It just doesn't make sense to me how the tables have turned in so many ways, that being apart from you also. I always come into the thought of wanting to forgive you and just leaving that shit behind but whenever I think about it, I also think about the fucked up shit you made me, all of us go through. You're a selfish mother fucker aren't you? Every time I see something of you, it fucking irritates me. I can't believe i've been dragging this grudge for the longest time but it's the first time I had someone I trusted dearly, stab me cold heartedly in the back. In all honesty though, I do miss all of the shit we used to do. No homo on that, but I do. But that shit is all in the past now. Maybe in time I will forgive you, but right now? No. I feel like I won't get over it until I lay my fucking hands on you and make you bleed. Maybe if you apologize to me yourself and say we should put this shit behind our back, maybe things would go a lot smoother. But all these scenarios will only remain in my head, their mere fantasies and are nothing close to what could happen in reality.

Reminiscing is a bitch, it really is. Today I thought about the summer 2 years ago when I first met all of you. I seriously thought that I had found a group of friends to get me away from all of the shit I go through here, and yes I did get that for a while. We all got close and it was like going to an oasis for me whenever I would go up to chill with you guys. Eventually some of you stepped into my reality and the worlds just merged. I didn't have a problem at first but I got caught off guard when it concerned something so special to me. Ever since that period of time, it was never the same anymore. Everywhere I go, I can never have an easy feeling. I always felt so tense and worried, thinking about all of the what ifs. It was pathetic, it wasn't fun. To this day, nothing is the same. I'm hardly in contact with any of you now, and too much shit has been happening. I guess time flies and this is just another street cleaning of my real life friend list to see who's still there and who's not anymore.

I'm back into that period of time where I just feel so alone. I don't know why, I really don't. I feel like I am hardly being talked to now. I always feel like i'm doing things by myself and i'm just inviting myself to things. It's not fun. I'm always feeling left out. I'm always feeling the cold shoulder. I hate it when it's cold like it was earlier in the day (yesterday, Wednesday) and i'm just standing there, shivering my ass off. It makes me feel like shit. I feel like nothing won't happen until I trigger something to happen, and i'm at that period of time again when i'm tired of doing all the triggers. It would be nice for some reassurance here and there. Thanks for all the concerns, but questions simply mean nothing to me now. I would love to vent it out but that's just pointless. Sometimes I would just like to remain quiet and have someone hug me tightly telling me it'll be okay, no homo. I hardly say hello to people anymore, or give out hugs. I'm always so hesitant on that shit now. I feel like I just bother them. I wouldn't say hi to me either by the way...

I don't know where I am going with this anymore. But the past week, my pessimistic mind has been kicked into high gear and I don't know how to stop it. I'm so frustrated. I feel so defeated. Everything has just been catching up to me lately. Everything single thing. Things that I should have left behind, which I did but still have caught on to me. I feel like the band-aid that's been keeping me safe just came off, and i'm walking around an even bigger open wound. You know if any of you wonder what's with me and the band-aids, it's a thing I started to notice in myself lately. It makes me feel somewhat safe, sorta like a charm. I know that's completely stupid and it's probably hilarious but that's the truth on it. I'm pretty weird from the points of view from all of the people that know me, so you probably expected this type of weird shit. But that's the truth about it.

Most of the time, i'm about to shed a tear or two just out of the pure frustration that's bottled up in me. If I can put into words what's wrong, I would have said it a long time ago. I bet it's just every single thing that just became put into one big shit which leads to my big ass frustration. One of the main things that add onto my frustration is from certain shit I see online (ex. Twitter and Tumblr) in which they also add a fuck load of irritation. Jealousy really plays a big role into that shit. I'm really fucking tired of Tumblr now. It just feels like MySpace being on that shit. Over the past few days I compare the posts I can put here to there and it amazes me how much of a difference it is, as to how much I can express myself on here. At least on here, I don't have a fucking dashboard reading all of you guy's shit as to where I don't fucking care what the fuck you did. I'm sorry, I guess i'm just getting agitated out of jealousy. I feel so fucking insecure right now but I don't really care. I can say all of the shit I want on here and if anyone I know closely does find me, then fuck off and keep your opinions to yourself unless you want to tell me something. Blah, whatever.

It's late, it's almost 2 AM, my dad just got home, he brought me some shit, I finally get to leave school at 1, and i'm heading to bed. I'm still frustrated how I didn't get to play ball yesterday (Wednesday) morning at the gym. How the fuck was it that sunny when it was fore casted to straight up rain? It's fucking raining right now. Ugh, fuck the weather... I bet I would be in a better mood if I did get to put shots up in the morning.

PS.
That fucking "I Wanna Be a Billionaire" song is irritating the flying fuck out of me.

S H U T T H E F U C K U P W I T H T H A T F U C K I N G S O N G !

I fucking hate when songs become mainstream. They're just fucking the shit out of the song and turning it into a slut, in the way I would put it.

It's about time.

It's about time I get stuff out of my mind one by one on this blog. I have so much I want to say but at least a good fraction of it has diminished in the past few hours. I honestly don't know who will be reading this, but if you are reading this then I probably know who. Thank God I changed the link...

Anyways I should begin. I may sound like a little child whining about something I don't have but I really don't give a fuck because it's been bothering the fuck out of me since forever. I've stated it several times on Tumblr but it has been so indirect. I won't name names either but if you are reading this, you probably know a lot about me already and everything else in the background.

Jealousy. I am an extremely jealous person, but not the typical jealous type where I talk shit on someone because they have the latest iPad, those UNLV's i've been wanting to have. No, none of that shit. You guys already know. I always get jealous of people being around that love shit. I probably don't make sense, but it's the best way I can put it. I get jealous seeing girls around some guy they like and i'm just standing there with them, so helpless. That's so stupid isn't it? Yeah, I don't care what you think anyways. I always get so jealous when they talk to me about that type of shit too, but i'm too nice so I just listen. I fucking hate it though. I'm not saying that I want to get with all these girls but it just bothers the fuck out of me for some reason because i've never been in any part of that kind of shit. In a long time at least... but I still don't feel comfortable counting what had happened 3 years ago. It was nothing, she was a stranger to me then but not anymore.

I always ask myself of what it takes to be in that place. Being so stubborn I never listen to anyone but I know it's patience that will get me there. I hate being patient, i've been patient enough in my opinion. If I keep being patient, I feel like i'm just going to end up fucking waiting for absolutely nothing as I continue to watch. I am not down for that, i'm tired of it. I don't want to look anymore either. I feel like i've found the right people already. As stupid as that may sound, that's how I feel. I believe that it'll only be a matter of time until one of them starts to show up in my eyes. I feel like if I keep looking, i'm just going to keep looking for the wrong people and i'll just end up hurting myself a lot more along the way.

Is it so much to ask for a girl that I can put my arms around with on a cold day? That's all I ask for, really. I'm not asking for a girl I can French with every 10 minutes (nor I know how to French either, nor it that matters anyways HAHA). No. It would be nice to have a girl I can tell them that I love them so dearly. It would probably be the best feeling I can get in this world if I ever get there with someone. I don't even know what it feels like, that's what sucks. I guess it's asking too much for asking for a girl like that. It's all I ask for, as desperate as I may be probably, every year. Every Christmas, every New Year, every birthday, every star, you're all I ask for, been waiting for. I don't know how much more of this torment I have to live through. Maybe i'm doing something wrong? I don't know, but i'm not going to make changes to myself to get attention. I would just end up not loving myself in that process. If I had you, my world would probably have a lot more colors and be a lot brighter. Day and night, sunny day or a rainy day. I just want you.

It's kind of sad how I have to bring you up when this type of deal has been put away 4 months from now. 4 months? Shouldn't I have moved on? Yes, I have but the feeling is still there. It comes up and then it doesn't. It fucking tortures me, but i'm glad that it's not on the same level that it was 4 months ago. I read something 2 weeks ago and it really did make sense. I guess I will always love you, I can't stop that. I can't stop the special friendship we have either because that's something rare to come by. You're always going to be there and it'll have its days where you can make me happy or miserable. It's bitter sweet. One of the biggest reasons I get jealous is because of you two, and it's usually just you two. I don't get the same feeling when I see anyone else doing the same shit. It really bothers me how that's the case. I shouldn't be feeling this but there's always that thing inside me ready to love you like that. Sometimes I think about it in class and I just go, "What if?" It's never going to happen and I learned to accept that. It still hurts every now and then. In the end i'm just left with nothing and i'm just left with my questions and extreme optimism.

My hand is always reaching out but i'm grasping nothing but pure air. I really don't know what to do with my life anymore. The motivation just isn't there most of the time. The most I do is to try and make every moment a fun time because I know that when I get home and i'm alone I become pessimistic like this. Half the time I don't know what I want and most of the time I don't know what's wrong. All the time, I am hurt. I guess i've just been hurt way too many times I just don't bother healing myself completely anymore. I'm always an open wound. Maybe having those three words said to me and a long tight hug from someone could ease me up a little but that may be too much to ask also.

Apart from that, I feel like I am fucking up in life. My grades have declined but that's because of a lot of things distracting me throughout the year. I'm starting to fall out of shape because of my eating habits and that's not good if i'm going to try and make the team. To add on to that, I haven't been playing avidly anymore and even if I still go on Friday's I don't run the same games as I have. Tryouts are next month and i'm not prepared but the best I can do is push myself, even if that means I have to cough up blood or pass out on the court. My anger has been making it's return again. I've lost all the tolerance I had but I can't blame myself. I'm just tired of this shit. I've been a complete mess lately but no one really sees it because i've learned how to hide that shit away from the public. But deep down inside i'm always walking around, torn up.

Lately i've been feeling something but i'm never sure of it. I guess I need more signs but this is something new for me.

I really love this old found privacy.

Hello blogspot.

It's been ages since i've been on this thing and it hella feels great to be back here. I feel like I have so much privacy on this thing, and unlike Tumblr this isn't "findable" for anyone. Probably Princess will be the only one reading this if she ever sees anything come up haha. Eh, it's like a deep breath of fresh air to be back on this thing.

I haven't had a serious blog to just let shit out of my head so easily in a long time so it might take me a while to get warmed up again.

A lot has happened since my last blog, like a hella lot. But i'm not going to type out a "catch-up" essay about everything.

Eh, my mind is dead right now. I'll probably put up something serious tomorrow. I'm going to try and have some fun before I have to sleep and have another shitty time at school tomorrow. I hope someone proves me wrong about having a shitty time but that's highly doubtful.

Visit me though, http://tumblronron.tumblr.com .