It doesn't make sense.

How come when things start to look better for you, I get the other end this time. I seriously liked it better when you were a miserable fuck. It just doesn't make sense to me how the tables have turned in so many ways, that being apart from you also. I always come into the thought of wanting to forgive you and just leaving that shit behind but whenever I think about it, I also think about the fucked up shit you made me, all of us go through. You're a selfish mother fucker aren't you? Every time I see something of you, it fucking irritates me. I can't believe i've been dragging this grudge for the longest time but it's the first time I had someone I trusted dearly, stab me cold heartedly in the back. In all honesty though, I do miss all of the shit we used to do. No homo on that, but I do. But that shit is all in the past now. Maybe in time I will forgive you, but right now? No. I feel like I won't get over it until I lay my fucking hands on you and make you bleed. Maybe if you apologize to me yourself and say we should put this shit behind our back, maybe things would go a lot smoother. But all these scenarios will only remain in my head, their mere fantasies and are nothing close to what could happen in reality.

Reminiscing is a bitch, it really is. Today I thought about the summer 2 years ago when I first met all of you. I seriously thought that I had found a group of friends to get me away from all of the shit I go through here, and yes I did get that for a while. We all got close and it was like going to an oasis for me whenever I would go up to chill with you guys. Eventually some of you stepped into my reality and the worlds just merged. I didn't have a problem at first but I got caught off guard when it concerned something so special to me. Ever since that period of time, it was never the same anymore. Everywhere I go, I can never have an easy feeling. I always felt so tense and worried, thinking about all of the what ifs. It was pathetic, it wasn't fun. To this day, nothing is the same. I'm hardly in contact with any of you now, and too much shit has been happening. I guess time flies and this is just another street cleaning of my real life friend list to see who's still there and who's not anymore.

I'm back into that period of time where I just feel so alone. I don't know why, I really don't. I feel like I am hardly being talked to now. I always feel like i'm doing things by myself and i'm just inviting myself to things. It's not fun. I'm always feeling left out. I'm always feeling the cold shoulder. I hate it when it's cold like it was earlier in the day (yesterday, Wednesday) and i'm just standing there, shivering my ass off. It makes me feel like shit. I feel like nothing won't happen until I trigger something to happen, and i'm at that period of time again when i'm tired of doing all the triggers. It would be nice for some reassurance here and there. Thanks for all the concerns, but questions simply mean nothing to me now. I would love to vent it out but that's just pointless. Sometimes I would just like to remain quiet and have someone hug me tightly telling me it'll be okay, no homo. I hardly say hello to people anymore, or give out hugs. I'm always so hesitant on that shit now. I feel like I just bother them. I wouldn't say hi to me either by the way...

I don't know where I am going with this anymore. But the past week, my pessimistic mind has been kicked into high gear and I don't know how to stop it. I'm so frustrated. I feel so defeated. Everything has just been catching up to me lately. Everything single thing. Things that I should have left behind, which I did but still have caught on to me. I feel like the band-aid that's been keeping me safe just came off, and i'm walking around an even bigger open wound. You know if any of you wonder what's with me and the band-aids, it's a thing I started to notice in myself lately. It makes me feel somewhat safe, sorta like a charm. I know that's completely stupid and it's probably hilarious but that's the truth on it. I'm pretty weird from the points of view from all of the people that know me, so you probably expected this type of weird shit. But that's the truth about it.

Most of the time, i'm about to shed a tear or two just out of the pure frustration that's bottled up in me. If I can put into words what's wrong, I would have said it a long time ago. I bet it's just every single thing that just became put into one big shit which leads to my big ass frustration. One of the main things that add onto my frustration is from certain shit I see online (ex. Twitter and Tumblr) in which they also add a fuck load of irritation. Jealousy really plays a big role into that shit. I'm really fucking tired of Tumblr now. It just feels like MySpace being on that shit. Over the past few days I compare the posts I can put here to there and it amazes me how much of a difference it is, as to how much I can express myself on here. At least on here, I don't have a fucking dashboard reading all of you guy's shit as to where I don't fucking care what the fuck you did. I'm sorry, I guess i'm just getting agitated out of jealousy. I feel so fucking insecure right now but I don't really care. I can say all of the shit I want on here and if anyone I know closely does find me, then fuck off and keep your opinions to yourself unless you want to tell me something. Blah, whatever.

It's late, it's almost 2 AM, my dad just got home, he brought me some shit, I finally get to leave school at 1, and i'm heading to bed. I'm still frustrated how I didn't get to play ball yesterday (Wednesday) morning at the gym. How the fuck was it that sunny when it was fore casted to straight up rain? It's fucking raining right now. Ugh, fuck the weather... I bet I would be in a better mood if I did get to put shots up in the morning.

PS.
That fucking "I Wanna Be a Billionaire" song is irritating the flying fuck out of me.

S H U T T H E F U C K U P W I T H T H A T F U C K I N G S O N G !

I fucking hate when songs become mainstream. They're just fucking the shit out of the song and turning it into a slut, in the way I would put it.