Monday, June 28, 2010
So much going through my head right now.
I shouldn't even have all of this stress.
I don't know where to start. It's not like I am going to say much anyways. I'm not used to talking about this stuff unless it's with the person themselves. Eh, I don't know.
Okay let's start with you, Keilah. I honestly don't know where you're going with your life right now. I don't know, you really stress me out. No matter what, you just do. You're such high maintenance for me and you're not even my girlfriend. You are such the responsibility. That's probably why I hang on to you so hard, so tight. I just know that if I ever leave your life for good and not come back like the last couple thousand times, you'd be such a mess right now. I don't see you as a sister. I will never see you like that, no matter how much closer we can get from what we have now. I just can't see you like that.
But things are different once again. I'm seriously just shaking my head at you sometimes. That's kind of sad, I know but it's the most I can do from seeing how you've been the past week. It's really sad. You're making a mess out of yourself and you're not making the most out of this precious time to have fun, make memories and to just relax. You're stressing out, you're not being happy, and I don't know what else you've been doing. Eh, I shouldn't put all of that on you though because it's not all your fault. Sometimes, you just need to just straighten things out and stop making the most simple things the most complicated things. You're making it hard on yourself every single time. You need to stop running away and crying. It's not going to do you any better. I know you better than that. Trust, I know you well enough. It's 3 in the morning right now and you probably just woke up and now you're crying. It's sad. I wish I could be there to hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay. I understand that your life isn't something anyone wants to be living right now.
Keilah, it's time you need to let the sun in on your summer. I'm here for you but the past few days, you knowing that, doesn't really make a difference. I can't help but feel the way I am feeling right now because of that. I'm not stupid and i'm a lot smarter than the excuses that I have let slid by me from you lately. I don't understand why you're hiding things from me. Maybe you're not and I think that. I'm not gonna make assumptions tonight. You need to be straightforward to me and stop being scared to say things. For some reason, I just feel a great feeling of disappointment towards you the past few days. I feel as if you're avoiding me. I know you know I hate the certain things you tell me but knowing you're avoiding me for the sole reason for not telling me those things aggravates me a lot more. It's fucking stupid. You need to quit that shit. To Friday, I don't know what you did. It's your life and i'm not going to father you on everything you do. I have no problem what so ever with you drinking. I'm just concerned on whom you do that shit with. Because of the people they've been around also. I don't want you getting hurt or have anything ridiculous happening to you. I care too much.. that's fucking sad. But that's the truth. I just know for a fact that you can't watch yourself after a good amount because I know for sure you're a hella light weight but knowing the girls around you are too, fucking stupid. I don't know, it really bothers me. I don't know that shit hella bothers me. I didn't like how you were 'drunk' tweeting and all of that shit either. What the fuck was that? It's not cool, it's pretty embarrassing. Hate on me all you guys want. I don't know what else to say to you nor what to do with you. I'm here though, always.
Then to the next one..
Hello Princess. I don't know what to say about you lol. I'm surprised I actually typed out your name. I haven't even submitted this blog post yet and I already feel exposed. I still don't know if this is a crush or a like. I want to take this slow with myself. I want to savor this feeling at least knowing i'm going to get heartbroken in the end anyway. How confident right? I don't know, there's just something about you.. I've been around you practically the entire week. Talk about a week right? Haha, my summer practically consists of being around you so far. Starting off when I visited you that Saturday night. I don't know, visiting you was like a step for me. I never did anything like that before. I never really walked a certain distance for a girl other than Keilah before. That was the most spontaneous night of my summer so far. You have a really nice family. Then we went to Disneyland. I don't know. My face felt numb after a while though. I caught myself smiling so much. I love being there and having this type of feeling towards you and being with you made it so much better. Then we finally watched Toy Story like we wanted. I had to pick you up. That was the first time I was alone with a girl outside of school for a good amount of time other than Keilah. I don't know, you're just making my world a lot more different now. I love it. You were so pretty that day. I don't know, you just seemed so dressed up. That time where you went to eat and it was just us, you said something to me. I don't remember the exact words but it was along the lines of, "I don't remember the last time I liked a guy my own age." It was funny because I've had that thought running through my head during that whole week. I felt like it was a message for me, but that's not even close to being a possibility. I may not have the experience and all of that shit but I know for sure I can love you. I think I went to far there. The best part really about that day was not watching the movie even though it was great but it was the amount of time we had together, just us two. It probably meant nothing to you because you do the same with several other guys. But just having that time with you makes me happy enough. I hate not having all of this experience and shit because I take these moments too far, and take in more than what is need to be taken in. Because to most guys, they just shrug this type of shit off. I make most of these type of scenarios special and i'm beginning to think that's stupid. That day was probably the most eye contact I have made with you. I don't know, that's the one physical thing I love about you. Your eyes. It's a bit cliche, I know, but your eyes are the most beautiful I have seen apart from all the girls I have fallen in like for. Your eyes always have that sparkle. You're the most beautiful when you smile but you're also the cutest when you make your several facial expressions. Your playful personality is already too much for me to take in. Ahh, I feel like a kid. It's a shame we didn't take a picture that day. We didn't see each other until Friday, even though that was only for a quick minute. We then spent the whole day around each other once again the following day. I'm around you so much, that if I don't see you for a day I kind of miss you. You're probably getting sick of me already. I'm surprised we actually went to that bench haha. I never knew where that bench was until we got there. I don't know, sitting there was so relaxing. When you sat next to me, just us two, I was going crazy inside. I don't know. That was probably my favorite part of the day. We had our time alone again that day. It's funny because we were moving.. you were driving! Shouldn't that be the other way around? Haha, I don't know. I just thought it was pretty cute. Then today. Nothing really kicked in to me until later in the day. When the guys went to the car to get something and I was about to go with them and you took me by the arm to keep me there. Then we just sat and chilled at the pool. Haha, you're so weird. It's ridiculous. It's hella cute though. I never knew a girl could look so beautiful being in the water without being in a two piece. HA, i'm fucking ridiculous. I noticed that the whole time this week i've been seeing you, I hardly hugged you. I finally got one today. Blah, I don't know.
I don't know if this is a new found 'best' friendship, or if this is really an upcoming 'thing'. I'm just going with the flow of things. I'm really comfortable around you, and I have a feeling you're the same around me. I really hope you give me a second chance in the long run. Certain people have told me, that things are a lot different now than they were back in middle school. Fuck, we're Juniors now! How things are so much more different.
It just hurts you like another guy. I'm pretty jealous of that guy right now. That's for another blog though. It really hurt seeing what I saw on your Facebook tonight.
The third topic. Nothing big.
But 95% of me has already forgotten and forgave. The other 5% is just plain waiting for your respect.
I'm getting tired, I have been typing since forever. I feel like I got a good amount of load off my chest. I feel so exposed using names but whatever. I don't really care. Not like anything is going to be awkward between any of you two anyways.
No one's going to find this blog anyways aha.
Goodmorning, it's 4:11 during a Monday morning.
I don't know where to start. It's not like I am going to say much anyways. I'm not used to talking about this stuff unless it's with the person themselves. Eh, I don't know.
Okay let's start with you, Keilah. I honestly don't know where you're going with your life right now. I don't know, you really stress me out. No matter what, you just do. You're such high maintenance for me and you're not even my girlfriend. You are such the responsibility. That's probably why I hang on to you so hard, so tight. I just know that if I ever leave your life for good and not come back like the last couple thousand times, you'd be such a mess right now. I don't see you as a sister. I will never see you like that, no matter how much closer we can get from what we have now. I just can't see you like that.
But things are different once again. I'm seriously just shaking my head at you sometimes. That's kind of sad, I know but it's the most I can do from seeing how you've been the past week. It's really sad. You're making a mess out of yourself and you're not making the most out of this precious time to have fun, make memories and to just relax. You're stressing out, you're not being happy, and I don't know what else you've been doing. Eh, I shouldn't put all of that on you though because it's not all your fault. Sometimes, you just need to just straighten things out and stop making the most simple things the most complicated things. You're making it hard on yourself every single time. You need to stop running away and crying. It's not going to do you any better. I know you better than that. Trust, I know you well enough. It's 3 in the morning right now and you probably just woke up and now you're crying. It's sad. I wish I could be there to hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay. I understand that your life isn't something anyone wants to be living right now.
Keilah, it's time you need to let the sun in on your summer. I'm here for you but the past few days, you knowing that, doesn't really make a difference. I can't help but feel the way I am feeling right now because of that. I'm not stupid and i'm a lot smarter than the excuses that I have let slid by me from you lately. I don't understand why you're hiding things from me. Maybe you're not and I think that. I'm not gonna make assumptions tonight. You need to be straightforward to me and stop being scared to say things. For some reason, I just feel a great feeling of disappointment towards you the past few days. I feel as if you're avoiding me. I know you know I hate the certain things you tell me but knowing you're avoiding me for the sole reason for not telling me those things aggravates me a lot more. It's fucking stupid. You need to quit that shit. To Friday, I don't know what you did. It's your life and i'm not going to father you on everything you do. I have no problem what so ever with you drinking. I'm just concerned on whom you do that shit with. Because of the people they've been around also. I don't want you getting hurt or have anything ridiculous happening to you. I care too much.. that's fucking sad. But that's the truth. I just know for a fact that you can't watch yourself after a good amount because I know for sure you're a hella light weight but knowing the girls around you are too, fucking stupid. I don't know, it really bothers me. I don't know that shit hella bothers me. I didn't like how you were 'drunk' tweeting and all of that shit either. What the fuck was that? It's not cool, it's pretty embarrassing. Hate on me all you guys want. I don't know what else to say to you nor what to do with you. I'm here though, always.
Then to the next one..
Hello Princess. I don't know what to say about you lol. I'm surprised I actually typed out your name. I haven't even submitted this blog post yet and I already feel exposed. I still don't know if this is a crush or a like. I want to take this slow with myself. I want to savor this feeling at least knowing i'm going to get heartbroken in the end anyway. How confident right? I don't know, there's just something about you.. I've been around you practically the entire week. Talk about a week right? Haha, my summer practically consists of being around you so far. Starting off when I visited you that Saturday night. I don't know, visiting you was like a step for me. I never did anything like that before. I never really walked a certain distance for a girl other than Keilah before. That was the most spontaneous night of my summer so far. You have a really nice family. Then we went to Disneyland. I don't know. My face felt numb after a while though. I caught myself smiling so much. I love being there and having this type of feeling towards you and being with you made it so much better. Then we finally watched Toy Story like we wanted. I had to pick you up. That was the first time I was alone with a girl outside of school for a good amount of time other than Keilah. I don't know, you're just making my world a lot more different now. I love it. You were so pretty that day. I don't know, you just seemed so dressed up. That time where you went to eat and it was just us, you said something to me. I don't remember the exact words but it was along the lines of, "I don't remember the last time I liked a guy my own age." It was funny because I've had that thought running through my head during that whole week. I felt like it was a message for me, but that's not even close to being a possibility. I may not have the experience and all of that shit but I know for sure I can love you. I think I went to far there. The best part really about that day was not watching the movie even though it was great but it was the amount of time we had together, just us two. It probably meant nothing to you because you do the same with several other guys. But just having that time with you makes me happy enough. I hate not having all of this experience and shit because I take these moments too far, and take in more than what is need to be taken in. Because to most guys, they just shrug this type of shit off. I make most of these type of scenarios special and i'm beginning to think that's stupid. That day was probably the most eye contact I have made with you. I don't know, that's the one physical thing I love about you. Your eyes. It's a bit cliche, I know, but your eyes are the most beautiful I have seen apart from all the girls I have fallen in like for. Your eyes always have that sparkle. You're the most beautiful when you smile but you're also the cutest when you make your several facial expressions. Your playful personality is already too much for me to take in. Ahh, I feel like a kid. It's a shame we didn't take a picture that day. We didn't see each other until Friday, even though that was only for a quick minute. We then spent the whole day around each other once again the following day. I'm around you so much, that if I don't see you for a day I kind of miss you. You're probably getting sick of me already. I'm surprised we actually went to that bench haha. I never knew where that bench was until we got there. I don't know, sitting there was so relaxing. When you sat next to me, just us two, I was going crazy inside. I don't know. That was probably my favorite part of the day. We had our time alone again that day. It's funny because we were moving.. you were driving! Shouldn't that be the other way around? Haha, I don't know. I just thought it was pretty cute. Then today. Nothing really kicked in to me until later in the day. When the guys went to the car to get something and I was about to go with them and you took me by the arm to keep me there. Then we just sat and chilled at the pool. Haha, you're so weird. It's ridiculous. It's hella cute though. I never knew a girl could look so beautiful being in the water without being in a two piece. HA, i'm fucking ridiculous. I noticed that the whole time this week i've been seeing you, I hardly hugged you. I finally got one today. Blah, I don't know.
I don't know if this is a new found 'best' friendship, or if this is really an upcoming 'thing'. I'm just going with the flow of things. I'm really comfortable around you, and I have a feeling you're the same around me. I really hope you give me a second chance in the long run. Certain people have told me, that things are a lot different now than they were back in middle school. Fuck, we're Juniors now! How things are so much more different.
It just hurts you like another guy. I'm pretty jealous of that guy right now. That's for another blog though. It really hurt seeing what I saw on your Facebook tonight.
The third topic. Nothing big.
But 95% of me has already forgotten and forgave. The other 5% is just plain waiting for your respect.
I'm getting tired, I have been typing since forever. I feel like I got a good amount of load off my chest. I feel so exposed using names but whatever. I don't really care. Not like anything is going to be awkward between any of you two anyways.
No one's going to find this blog anyways aha.
Goodmorning, it's 4:11 during a Monday morning.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I can't get used to anything that happens now.
Sure it may be the best right now, kinda. But I can't make it a daily routine. More adventures, more spontaneousness. My summer can't be like my school year where the same shit happens every week.
I don't want to get ahead of myself with you. I'm just having fun right now. I'm not supposed to, but you're really one of the reasons why i'm happy most of the time now. I think everyone else sees that too.
I don't want to get ahead of myself with you. I'm just having fun right now. I'm not supposed to, but you're really one of the reasons why i'm happy most of the time now. I think everyone else sees that too.
Monday, June 21, 2010
It's been a while since you've said something like that.
It's really heart warming, but it also saddens me. I love you and i'm always going to be here for you. We've established something so solid, distance can't break us apart.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Damn.
I just feel so defeated, once again. I feel so useless. It's really pathetic I am saying this but that's the fact of it. You are fucking stupid, pardon my common French. I can't say anything though, that's you.
I hate this so much. I always feel so useless when it comes to females. I am always the one left out. The things all of you say, I wish I could say. The times where I could say them, they aren't the right times nor I have the courage to say those certain things.
I bet one my biggest flaws as a person when it comes to girls is the fact that I am a boring person. I don't even have any special talents. I am not the spontaneous one. Plus, it's probably because I don't drive either. Most girls always fall for the guys that are mobile, because they get bored so easily and can't stay put at one place while spending time with the guy.. you know? I don' know it's probably just me.
One of the worst feelings you could get next to losing a girl towards an asshole is to a nice guy. I have a feeling i'm losing to both. But what's the point of fighting for you right? Totally out of my league and you'd probably get bored of me real fast anyways. I don't know, it's one of those "Keilah" feelings that took over. Not that I felt that way towards you because you were supposed to be a rebound, no. Never. It's just those second time around type of things. I doesn't know. The first time I fell in like with you, was mainly because of who you were on the outside. I have to say, I was pretty shallow back then. I hardly knew you back then. But then, 2 years later, things are a lot different. A lot different, and they have caused me to fall. Because of who you are as a person. I know so much about you, it's like you're telling me not to fall for you. I guess the smart thing is just not trying, because the things you tell me about yourself really send out the message to. Maybe it's also giving me that message to prove you wrong you know? I thought about that once, and it's just not worth it. I have tried to prove several girls wrong but they just can't see past what is in front of them and that's a shame. Fuck, this is horrible. I guess this is a battle that wasn't fought that's been lost.
Everything always seems to go wrong with me. I am really getting tired of this. I wish I had a girl to turn to. I wish I had a girl who'm I could call. A girl that isn't taken you know? I ask for too much.
Fuck my life.
But that's only half of my problems...
I hate this so much. I always feel so useless when it comes to females. I am always the one left out. The things all of you say, I wish I could say. The times where I could say them, they aren't the right times nor I have the courage to say those certain things.
I bet one my biggest flaws as a person when it comes to girls is the fact that I am a boring person. I don't even have any special talents. I am not the spontaneous one. Plus, it's probably because I don't drive either. Most girls always fall for the guys that are mobile, because they get bored so easily and can't stay put at one place while spending time with the guy.. you know? I don' know it's probably just me.
One of the worst feelings you could get next to losing a girl towards an asshole is to a nice guy. I have a feeling i'm losing to both. But what's the point of fighting for you right? Totally out of my league and you'd probably get bored of me real fast anyways. I don't know, it's one of those "Keilah" feelings that took over. Not that I felt that way towards you because you were supposed to be a rebound, no. Never. It's just those second time around type of things. I doesn't know. The first time I fell in like with you, was mainly because of who you were on the outside. I have to say, I was pretty shallow back then. I hardly knew you back then. But then, 2 years later, things are a lot different. A lot different, and they have caused me to fall. Because of who you are as a person. I know so much about you, it's like you're telling me not to fall for you. I guess the smart thing is just not trying, because the things you tell me about yourself really send out the message to. Maybe it's also giving me that message to prove you wrong you know? I thought about that once, and it's just not worth it. I have tried to prove several girls wrong but they just can't see past what is in front of them and that's a shame. Fuck, this is horrible. I guess this is a battle that wasn't fought that's been lost.
Everything always seems to go wrong with me. I am really getting tired of this. I wish I had a girl to turn to. I wish I had a girl who'm I could call. A girl that isn't taken you know? I ask for too much.
Fuck my life.
But that's only half of my problems...
Friday, June 4, 2010
I fucking give up.
Fuck. I hate this shit. The times where you really need someone the most, and you virtually have no one. Well you do, but then they're not the right people. The times where you need someone and they're just somewhere else. I am not making sense.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
You still linger around my head.
But I don't like you anymore. I do feel though, that I feel more deserving to be with you right now. It's ridiculous. We both know that I am the much more.. I don't know.. I guess we both know I am the better guy in terms of how we manage at times like these? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I am much more involved in your life than he is and he's just there to fill your hand, hold you and kiss you. He's just there to hold the status that he's yours and your his. He's just there to make you feel special, to say all the cute things to you like every other boyfriend has to do but at times like these, when he's acting like a pussy about something ridiculously stupid it pisses me off. I hate it when guys become such pussies about something really stupid when they are with the one they love. I guess I would to, but I face all of these type of problems head on. I feel like you're just wasting the girl's time when you do that type of shit. You make her sit there while another can give her so much more with that amount of time. To know that I can give more to her when it comes to matters of the heart than you do, it's kind of pathetic. You've been with this girl for practically a year now. It's kind of pathetic how you're afraid to talk to her about this shit when you're both in love with each other. I'm not IN love with the girls I "talk" to but i'm not afraid to be straightforward with them if anything's the matter though. I don't understand why you're so melancholic about stuff when it really seems like you have a pretty good life right now. Like really, we're all stressed about school that isn't a big deal. Seriously, you haven't been through the shit that her and I have been through this year. I feel like I use that as an excuse but I am just pointing that out because it's fucking stupid. It really does hurt me inside when I know I am much more effective than you are when I am not even together with her, it really does. I feel like a basketball player being benched up and not being allowed to play for even a minute. I bet if I even get the opportunity to be with you, I might be able to change your view on the both of us. I may not be that fit guy, I may not be that cute guy to serenade you, hella I may not be that guy that he is but I just have that feeling. I feel like Mark Antony from Julius Caesar controlling Caesar.. You're just the guy there to hold her hand and to to do the latter, while I am the guy running the show. I feel like I am coaching the game here and you're just the player. I see it now.. you don't know what the fuck you're doing half the time. I am always there to help you out, to fix YOUR OWN GOD DAMN RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. She's not even my girl but she's my best friend and I love her. If she was another girl, hell, I probably won't even be here. I'm always fixing your shit for you and I am starting to get pretty tired of it. I hardly get help for girls anymore, I really don't. I don't know how to take in advice but to experiment shit myself. I just wish I would get a chance for once.. I have people in my mind but it's not like I want to be with them just because I want to. I like each of them each for their own little imperfections. I don't know.. I haven't been sad lately and it's kind of weird because no matter how many times I try to think about things that usually make me sad, I don't. It feels great. I feel like everything is refreshed, I always have this fire in me even though the fire gets small sometimes. I am hardly falling asleep in class anymore and maybe that's because of this new found positivity. I just feel like, if I ever get that chance.. I bet i'll be one hell of a boyfriend to you, whoever you may be.
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