It's about time.

It's about time I get stuff out of my mind one by one on this blog. I have so much I want to say but at least a good fraction of it has diminished in the past few hours. I honestly don't know who will be reading this, but if you are reading this then I probably know who. Thank God I changed the link...

Anyways I should begin. I may sound like a little child whining about something I don't have but I really don't give a fuck because it's been bothering the fuck out of me since forever. I've stated it several times on Tumblr but it has been so indirect. I won't name names either but if you are reading this, you probably know a lot about me already and everything else in the background.

Jealousy. I am an extremely jealous person, but not the typical jealous type where I talk shit on someone because they have the latest iPad, those UNLV's i've been wanting to have. No, none of that shit. You guys already know. I always get jealous of people being around that love shit. I probably don't make sense, but it's the best way I can put it. I get jealous seeing girls around some guy they like and i'm just standing there with them, so helpless. That's so stupid isn't it? Yeah, I don't care what you think anyways. I always get so jealous when they talk to me about that type of shit too, but i'm too nice so I just listen. I fucking hate it though. I'm not saying that I want to get with all these girls but it just bothers the fuck out of me for some reason because i've never been in any part of that kind of shit. In a long time at least... but I still don't feel comfortable counting what had happened 3 years ago. It was nothing, she was a stranger to me then but not anymore.

I always ask myself of what it takes to be in that place. Being so stubborn I never listen to anyone but I know it's patience that will get me there. I hate being patient, i've been patient enough in my opinion. If I keep being patient, I feel like i'm just going to end up fucking waiting for absolutely nothing as I continue to watch. I am not down for that, i'm tired of it. I don't want to look anymore either. I feel like i've found the right people already. As stupid as that may sound, that's how I feel. I believe that it'll only be a matter of time until one of them starts to show up in my eyes. I feel like if I keep looking, i'm just going to keep looking for the wrong people and i'll just end up hurting myself a lot more along the way.

Is it so much to ask for a girl that I can put my arms around with on a cold day? That's all I ask for, really. I'm not asking for a girl I can French with every 10 minutes (nor I know how to French either, nor it that matters anyways HAHA). No. It would be nice to have a girl I can tell them that I love them so dearly. It would probably be the best feeling I can get in this world if I ever get there with someone. I don't even know what it feels like, that's what sucks. I guess it's asking too much for asking for a girl like that. It's all I ask for, as desperate as I may be probably, every year. Every Christmas, every New Year, every birthday, every star, you're all I ask for, been waiting for. I don't know how much more of this torment I have to live through. Maybe i'm doing something wrong? I don't know, but i'm not going to make changes to myself to get attention. I would just end up not loving myself in that process. If I had you, my world would probably have a lot more colors and be a lot brighter. Day and night, sunny day or a rainy day. I just want you.

It's kind of sad how I have to bring you up when this type of deal has been put away 4 months from now. 4 months? Shouldn't I have moved on? Yes, I have but the feeling is still there. It comes up and then it doesn't. It fucking tortures me, but i'm glad that it's not on the same level that it was 4 months ago. I read something 2 weeks ago and it really did make sense. I guess I will always love you, I can't stop that. I can't stop the special friendship we have either because that's something rare to come by. You're always going to be there and it'll have its days where you can make me happy or miserable. It's bitter sweet. One of the biggest reasons I get jealous is because of you two, and it's usually just you two. I don't get the same feeling when I see anyone else doing the same shit. It really bothers me how that's the case. I shouldn't be feeling this but there's always that thing inside me ready to love you like that. Sometimes I think about it in class and I just go, "What if?" It's never going to happen and I learned to accept that. It still hurts every now and then. In the end i'm just left with nothing and i'm just left with my questions and extreme optimism.

My hand is always reaching out but i'm grasping nothing but pure air. I really don't know what to do with my life anymore. The motivation just isn't there most of the time. The most I do is to try and make every moment a fun time because I know that when I get home and i'm alone I become pessimistic like this. Half the time I don't know what I want and most of the time I don't know what's wrong. All the time, I am hurt. I guess i've just been hurt way too many times I just don't bother healing myself completely anymore. I'm always an open wound. Maybe having those three words said to me and a long tight hug from someone could ease me up a little but that may be too much to ask also.

Apart from that, I feel like I am fucking up in life. My grades have declined but that's because of a lot of things distracting me throughout the year. I'm starting to fall out of shape because of my eating habits and that's not good if i'm going to try and make the team. To add on to that, I haven't been playing avidly anymore and even if I still go on Friday's I don't run the same games as I have. Tryouts are next month and i'm not prepared but the best I can do is push myself, even if that means I have to cough up blood or pass out on the court. My anger has been making it's return again. I've lost all the tolerance I had but I can't blame myself. I'm just tired of this shit. I've been a complete mess lately but no one really sees it because i've learned how to hide that shit away from the public. But deep down inside i'm always walking around, torn up.

Lately i've been feeling something but i'm never sure of it. I guess I need more signs but this is something new for me.

I really love this old found privacy.