Fuck my life. For reals now.

I can't really say anything about my day right now. Because one, it wasn't interesting. Two, I played like shit when I was playing basketball. Three, fuck my life.

From 11-12 at night I was in the shower. In that hour, was probably the most helpless, deppressing, and maybe the time where I really felt alone. I was crying that entire hour. I had so many shit just getting poured out my eyes from my mind. I don't remember crying this bad before. I had so much shit that i've been keeping bottled up within myself from other people. I guess today was the day I cracked. Or maybe it was my fucking parents who fucking cracked me.

I can't relax in my own home anymore. I shouldn't even be calling it a home right now. It's just a place where I stay at and sleep. I can't sit down and watch TV and give myself a rest and relax anymore without getting yelled at or something along the lines of it. I can't hang out with friends without getting bithced at everytime I go somewhere. I'm tired of my parents fucking putting me down, and making me live my life with no fucking sense of motivation. They make me sound like some kind of mindless, heartless robot that doesn't have any dreams and ambitions. They never let me try anything new or experience something new. They're fucking impatient, even though they bitch at me for being impatient. Fucking hypocrytes right? They call me for about something, I get to them, and they fucking yell at me to go back to what I was supposed to do. What the fuck is that?

I'm getting fucking sick of it. Today's like the first time they fucking told me to fucking get the fuck out. What the fuck is wrong with them? The only thing that comes out their mouths about me are always negative shit. Nothing positive. But hey that's basically my fucking life anyway right?

They think my fucking life is about me getting awards and being successful at shit. How the fuck do you do that, when you get no motive to do so and in the end all you get is shit like " That's what you're SUPPOSED TO DO. " No " Good job. " or shit.

They fucking think i'm full of failure and I can't do anything right. They always blame about shit during these times. Especially my friends. I think it's just fucking rude to just blame them. " You shouldn't be hanging out with your fucking friends anymore! This is what you get by hanging out with them. You turn into a little bitch. " Shit like that gets me so bad. I mean one, it's fucking rude. Two, what gives them the right mind to fucking judge me like that and what gives them the right mind to judge my friends. They make it sound like i'm living a life under the influence or some shit. Do you see them smoking pot? Do you see them sneaking out? Do you see them breaking into peoples shit? Do you see them stealing peoples shit? Do you see them doing some gang shit? I don't think so. No means of stereotyping or shit. I know my surroundings, and the good and bad of people. I'm not fucking stupid to be anywhere around those people or even be 15 feet within them.

They always say shit to me like " You're making the wrong decisions. You need to get your fucking act up. " What the fuck is that shit? Wrong decisions? ABOUT WHAT. Okay I talk back. Why? Because the shit they bitch at me for, is fucking ridiculous. The fuck am I listening to them about THAT. What the fuck? I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING BAD. All you see me do, is sit in my fucking room endlessly. I can't have a peace of mind in this fucking house anymore.

They're fucking tired of driving me around to places, when they obviously know I hardly get the chance to go out anymore. Nor I ask them to drive me around much anymore. Don't worry bitches. When I get myself a permit you won't see me around much and bugging you guys for shit anymore.

They always make me sound stupid. " Why the fuck do you go to school acting like this? " WHAT THE FUCK. They also make it sound like I don't learn anything. Okay I have two C's in my fucking report card. Sure I almost failed Geometry and almost had to re-take the class. What does that have to do with anything NOW? I'm fucking passing. And they bitch at me nonsense about THAT?

They make me feel like trash. I ask for one thing I can't get an EASY GOING conversation with them. It's so hard to talk to them about anything.

It's fucking sad, now that I think about it. I'm not close to them unlike some of my friends are to their parents. I guess it's just the way they were raised.

Fuck my life.

Oh so that's only my life inside the fucking house. It's time to fucking start about shit outside my house. Well some of it.

I can't go out without being responsible for anyone anymore. I guess it's because i'm too nice about giving rides and shit EVERY SINGLE TIME I GO OUT. Fuck when are they ever going to get rides? I can't go out without having to take one of them with me or with me taking them back home. What the fuck is that. I feel bad for saying " No. " and just leaving them there. But now it's just fucking ridiculous. I guess i'm a bit too nice. But stopping that won't get me anywhere and if I keep doing it, won't get me anywhere too. What the fuck.

Whenever i'm out with some people, i'm always the one alone. Some of you may understand that some won't. But i'm not going to explain myself on that.

Fuck my life.

I really don't have anyone to go to for some love and motivation. It's sad. I always have to do everything alone and work my way around it in the end.

Oh and a little something about today. I'm really getting sick of myself for fucking choking whenever I run with them during games. I don't know what's with me. I'm like so scared. I don't know what the fuck to do.

/rant

Okay now, i've been listening to " From Where You Are " by Lifehouse. It's been on repeat the entire time I was doing this blog. It makes me think of Vivian. Why? Listen to the song. But I guess it's kind of retarded saying that. Because seeing her yesterday. It was just I don't know. She doesn't seem sad about it or anything. Princess told me she's like that, because she wants people to remember her from what she's being like right now. Happy, Outgoing, Cheerful. But I don't know. It's just sad that she's REALLY moving. I remember she told me before she was going to move and she ended up not going to. Now it's really happening. Everything is happening so fast. I was really hoping to share a lot of memories with her. It's impossible now, because it's going to be impossible being with her physically. I'm going to miss everything about her. Especially the things during school.

I'm starting to regret what I said about her during February, and how I acted towards her. Now that's a month wasted with her. I can't say that there's one more February with her. What a lot of time anger and deppression can waste right?

I'm a fucking mess right now. The last part about Vivian made me shed a tear. It's just sad.

I don't think i'm sleeping tonight.