Hello once again.

It's been a long while since i've been on my blogspot. I really need to get something out of my chest that I can't do on tumblr. If I type this certain something on my tumblr, Michelle will read it. It's not that I don't trust her or anything, but the fact being that she's Keilah's bestfriend, I can't feel comfortable about saying whatever it is I have to say aloud on there.

One thing I need to say outloud is that I like Keilah again. It hits me hard too whenever I think about it, so don't trip. I don't know why i'm so in like with her again. It's such a different feeling from before though. Before, to be honest, it was just about her looks for me. Maybe because before I was a shallow guy. I never really noticed because I was, as you can say, young and naive. I wasn't as deep with these things as I am now. Before, things like personality didn't hit me HARD. I guess as more rejections passed me by, and the more things came at me I started to learn. But even then, nothing has changed for me. I noticed that every girl that ends up rejecting me or have had a thing with me or I liked, ended up being pretty close with me. It's wierd. After shit happens, an incredible friendship opens up. I think it's retarded, but I sort of think it's luck. Because I get to be friends with them, instead of them being out of my life permanently after something like that.

It bothers me more is that i'm so in like with my BESTFRIEND. That's crazy. If anything from inside me breaks loose, that might be a friendship GONE. I just have to remind myself that if she is my bestfriend, then when something happens, maybe she can understand. But even that, "maybe she can understand" bothers me. Everything is bothering me. Because I don't assume beyond about these things. I always assume to that point where I get rejected again. I'm too scared to assume being accepted and finally getting into a relationship because i'm scared to get my hopes up and fall down harder. Now I know that most of you have said to me things about relationships, like they aren't all that and such. Yeah sure you can say that, because you've experienced one or a couple. But for someone for me, i'm hungry for it. I'm tired of living my highschool days watching everyone live the same days with a little bit more. I want to be able to tell a girl "I love you." just because. I want to be able to hold her hand just because, and not because there's something scary happening. I want a girlfriend that can be my bestfriend who can put up with my worst and have the same patience with me. No homo on all that, but i'm straight up serious. I feel like she can be THAT GIRL. But there's that little someone in me that always says, no. The more I read the past couple of sentences, I feel horrible. I'm so, I don't want to say, but desperate for it. But not desperate to the point where I will get with anyone available or to the point where I am an annoyance, just straightup desperate for it, HER. I'm crazy and i've practically lost myself internally now.

I want to be more than her bestfriend. It's amazing that I can't move on from it, even if it's been how long? I don't even know. There would be points when I am ecstatic when i'm with her. There would be points where i'm jealous, and I always am to be honest. There's always that little spark of me that's addicted to her. Maybe that's what lead me to being her bestfriend. Because I was so consistent with her, and I learned that I can't live on without her being my friend. I tried to move on and completely leave her out of my life because of something in the past but I learned that it was impossible. I need her in my life. There's times especially at the end of this night, that I acted to shitty towards her. But I couldn't take what had just happened. It wasn't fair.

Being with her today, I wasn't expecting much. But to be honest I was enjoying myself. I was so happy! There wasn't ANYTHING getting in my way. It was nice that she was keeping my arm warm. It was nice that she was resting her head on me. It was nice that she held my hand. But in the end I was left. With who? Some guy who she sees every day of the week. It's not fair. I'm already jealous enough that she is going to homecoming with him, but dissappearing until she has to go home? That's not fair. I'm not entirely frustrated of you being with him, but when you dissappear for like the rest of the night for someone you see everyday from someone you see once a month. I think that's fucked up. It's not fair that I only get to hang out with you for 3 hours after a month of not seeing you face to face and that you go see him for the rest of the night. It's not fair. It's so frustrating for me. I think she knows well enough that I miss her SO MUCH. But I guess I can't stop things like this from happening, because I don't matter enough. Call me selfish, but this is one thing that is not fair.

I feel horrible about being a bitch about it to her when she left, but what else can I do? I was so frustrated. I feel like i'm losing everything with her now. It's really frustrating. Love hurts, I guess she's setting an example for me. My body is sore, but I feel like you've nursed my banged up right arm from basketball tonight. Being around you, I felt incredible. It was different today. It was the first time that I was with her, that I can feel my heart beating incredibly fast. I felt like I was having a stroke, but I was completely alive. You make me happy and upset all at once.

I don't know what else there is to say now. But the last thing I want to say is that, today wasn't enough. I want more than 3 hours with you. But the more things end up occuring the more impossible that MORE is becoming.

Fuck my life, you make me cry over you.

I'm so pathetic. Good-bye.

ps.
And Princess saying that someone likes me is starting to bother me. It's getting me extremely curious, but I don't want to make any assumptions. Whoever it is, I hope I find out soon. Gosh, this is fucking me up in the head even more.